Reflections

Well I've had quite a last few days. On Sunday I decided to get up to the lakes, the weather was pleasant for time of year but it was a bit misty on the tops. I parked at the old quarry on Walna Scar Road just outside of Coniston. The plan was to do Brown Pike first but I took the old Quarry Road which had cut through old quarry workings, it turned out to be an interesting walk on the ledges made by years of quarrying. I made it up onto the top of Coniston Old Man and after a brief stop moved on to take the path onto Brim Fell and then onto Swirl How. I was felling good and even had the strength and energy to jog for stretches. I had dinner on Swirl How summit before tracking back and reaching the summit of Dow Crag. It was a bit of a scramble to the very top but once there I sat for a short while taking in the view. I now only had a couple of summits to conquor before the drop down back onto the Walna Scar Road. Unfortunately, the final bit back to the car ended up being so painful as shin splints were killing me and it was a great relief to get back to the car.

The drive back was a nightmare, there were hold ups on the A591 and then it was wall to wall cars on the M6 between Lancaster and Preston and I was averaging around 10mph. I eventually arrived home about 7:30pm stopping off at McDonalds drive thru a whole hour later than expected. With all the hold ups I decided to move my planned MTB day to Tuesday as I pick up C from school at 5pm and wasn't confident I would make it back in time.

So on Monday, having booked 2 days off from work I spent the time food shopping and pottering.

Tuesday came and I managed to get going just after seven heading for Grizedale Forest and the North Face MTB trail. Having arrived at roughly 9pm I started my ride. The original plan was too start off doing the North Face trail and then one of the coloured wayposts trails. Unfortunately, I missed one of the early NF signs so decided to do the purple route first to Moor Top Car park a seven mile trail which was timed at 1.5 hours, which I managed to do in an hour. The first part had a lot of uphill but later this meant plenty of downhill which I zoomed down. The route took a circular route that ended up taking me back to the car park I'd used.

Second time round I didn't miss the NF waymark and followed the techical trail. The early part again was most uphill and the trail was very rocky and winding, using a light gear I managed to albeit slowly ascend up the single track through the forest. At times it was quite difficult and nerve racking but I am not one to quit. I took a couple of minor tumbles and ocasionally got off and walked but nevertheless on such a technical single track I was doing okay. The trail was roughly 10 miles long and it was a mere 100 metres before I reached the end that I came a cropper. I was picking up speed on a winding bit of the descending trail when I came to an opening, the trail here was easy to negotiate or so it seemed. I lost both wheels as the bike slipped underneath me, leaving me on the floor with the bike still between my legs. I pushed it away in pain, I was dazed and shellshock as well as being in great pain. Being a tough cookie, I told myself to just give myself sometime and then get back on again. It wasn't easy I had taken the impact on my right upper arm and I could feel than my elbow had rammed into the side of my ribs. Even though I was in so much pain I was sure no bones had been broken, I have never had the misfortune of breaking bones thankfully my bones had stood up to all sorts. I didn't feel sick which was a good thing.

As I got to my feet, two other riders came a long and the first one almost repeated my crash but with him having longer legs he was able to stick a foot down, also he wasn't going as fast as I was. Anyway, I mentioned I had fallen and that I was okay. They told me I was virtually at the end so after letting them go I got back on my bike and finished the trail. I was in agony but I finished it.

The drive home was interesting to say the least, fortunately having asking a guy to put my car in the boot explaining that I was injured and eating my packed lunch I set off. I couldn't believe the pain and reversing the car was the most difficult. Once I'd got going and deciding to take it easy I got home. People have asked me how I did it and I have told them that it was a case of having to.

I arrived home and had a bath immediately, I wasn't sure whether or not to go to the hospital but after a few hours and knowing there was little chance of me being in work the next day I got my sister to drive me there. I suggested that she could drop me off and then I would ring her when I needed picking up. However, she said she would stay which excited C for some reason. We waited in the reception, I dedected it may be a while as we had walked through the second waiting room and it was full. C made me laugh and that was so so painful that I had to try and bite my finger, spontaneously he started singing 'we're having a gang bang, you know the song that was on x factor. Only being 5 he doesn't know its very rude and my sister frantically tried to get him to stop, it was very amusing.

Time was getting on and with all the pain and waiting I was starting to get really upset, in two hours I had not even seen triage. Everyone including myself was getting really annoyed. Its not that I don't accept people in ambulances have greater priority but where was the communication. All it takes is someone telling people what the situation was. Finally it was my turn and I was in that much pain I struggled to get on the trolley and when the doctor wanted to check for any internal bleeding I really struggled to lie on my back. After xrays thankfully there was no broken bones but my elbow went through the muscle in between ribs. I was given pain killers, advised I would need pain relief for a few weeks and that it would take around 2 months to get better. I was also advised that when pain allowed I was to do stretches otherwise it would affect the lung and lead to pneumonia. It was 11pm when I was finally discharged, so I was there over four hours.

My weight seems to be stuck at 7st 13lb, I've continued to be disciplined and surely I must be taking in less calories than I'm burning. I'm just hoping its one of those things and that one morning I weight myself and find I'm 3lbs lighter.

It was the U13 training last night, with the games now on a saturday we're using the last few wednesdays before its too dark to train and we move onto Stanley's MUGA. After that I watched Man United in the champs league on telly, it wasn't a great game but that's the way it goes sometimes, it ended 0-0.

I've booked Monday off with the intention of maybe going the lakes over the weekend. The forecast is quite good for the time of year so I'd considered going mountain walking on Sunday but Man United are playing Chelsea, so I'm not sure. We'll have to see what I end up doing. There is also the option of doing the Formby 10k even though I shouldn't be doing any running at the moment.

I keep sneezing this morning so I am hoping I'm not coming down with a cold as I'm also quite snifferley.

It was C's 5th birthday on Friday so he's the proud new owner of a trampoline so he keeps coming around and asking me to go on it with him. Anyway, its good exercise so it could be worse. J scored again for the academy, he's starting to show more of what he's capable of which is pleasing.

The footy team lost again on Saturday 5-4, although its disappointing to lose there were positives. The passing is starting to take shape and we did come back from 5-2 and were the better team. Its going to be hard for the kids to accept that they aren't going to be winning every week particularly after last seasons league and cup double. I keep telling them that this season is a rebuilding season and that everyone will need to take that on board in terms of expectations.

On Saturday afternoon I managed to slot in an 1:20 min bike ride on my racer. I didn't go far only up through Scarisbrick, across to Halsall and then back down Guildford Road. I've also spent the weekend trying to continually stretch out the back of my legs to try and alleviate the pain.

Went for a run in Hesketh Park not long after the Tour of Britain cycle race had passsed through. It would have been nice to go down and watch it pass but I was on my way back from J's footy. Anyway, I did 30 mins at a regular pace before doing 10 reps of sprints running the length of the rose garden. This was followed by a circuit of the lake at a faster than usual pace. Then it was a jog to the hill part where I did some reps up the stone steps and reps up the hill. I finished it off with a gentle jog around the park taking me up to 54 mins. In all not a bad workout.

I'm feeling a somewhat irritable and low this morning, yet again D is covering EO and even S is doing it for her team. I just so frustrated with being left out all the time. Nobody seems to have mastered the art of communication and I am fed up with always having to make the first move. How can it be I never get a chance when these people who do are so useless.

After my physio appointment on Tues I just keep thinking than there is more to pain than purely my left ankle rolling in. I've had these insoles in now for over a month and initially they did seem to make a difference but I don't think they are the total solution. I'm still getting shin pain and pain and the back and sides of both ankles are incredibly tight. I just think that somewhere along the line that this has all been caused by chronic muscle tension. This week my neck and shoulders hurt like mad. I spent most of yesterday trying to continually stretch the backs of my legs around the achilles area, hoping that this would loosen things up.

Last night I decided to try a run and I have to say things did feel a bit looser, not brilliant but certainly an improvement. So the plan is to keep up the stretching as often as I can. The run took about 50mins or so, about a mile from home I was running over Hawkeshead St bridge when I suddenly realised that the lad in front of me was the victim of an attempted robbery. I immediately hit the off button of my ipod and intervened, I asked the lad if he was alright and the aggressor immediately backed off. I don't know if he had a weapon of any sort my main concern was for the victim, both kids were around aged 15. I told the lad I would walk with him and whilst the aggressor followed us for a short while he disappeared down the stone steps at the side of the bridge. The kid told me after I had asked that the aggressor told him to give him his mobile phone. At the bottom of the bridge being happy that the kid was safe to continue home I left him as I turned left and he crossed the road and into a side street. A number of people at work today said I was very brave for intervening but a situation occured and I just reacted I'm not the kind of person who would just walk on by even though I'm only just over 5ft myself. The kid was really shook up so I suggested to him to ring the police or to get his parents to do so when he got home. Anyway, I decided to report the incident to the police myself just in case the aggressor was looking for another potential victim.

I'd thought I'd start my blogging again, its been a while so I lot has gone on in the past year. I have to say my mood is a lot better these days thankfully, yes I've had my ups and downs but they've not spiraled out of control.

Its been a bit of a wet summer to say the least but I've still managed to get out and about. I took J and his friend camping in July which was a success, we stayed at Lane Foot Farm Thornthwaite. We spent our time at GoApe in Whinlatter Cumbria, which was great a I throughly recommend it. We mountain biked around Derwentwater, climbed Catbells and lastly did the open 10k loop of the new Altura Single Track MTB trail in Whinlatter, it was challenging but fantastic at the same time.

On the running front the summer has been a bit of a wash out as well as the weather. After going for x rays, ultrasound, mri scan my problematic pains in my shins/ankles are still causing me problems. I ended up at the podiatrists and now have insoles, it may be just my impatience but things aren't improving as much as I'd like. So I've not had much opportunity to do the events I wanted. I did the Hawkshead and Garburn Trail Races but both were a very painful experience. In fact in the Garburn I walked most of it.

The kids footy started last night and we lost 1-0, its going to be hard this season with my nephew J now at an academy (which I am so so proud of) and the loss of a few others, its like a new team. Its not going to be as successful trophy wise as last season when we did a cup and league double. We have to be realistic and take this as a rebuilding season. To be honest I wasn't totally sure of whether to carry on managing them. On the one hand I didn't want to leave them giving the impression that it was only about J cos it wasn't. On the otherhand a break would have been good and to leave a cup double satisfying. One thing that worries me is that some of the players after years of success may struggle to cope with not winning most of the time. I suppose we'll have to wait and see. What I have decided though is this will be my last season with them, C has started playing with the U6s so that he will be my priority as family has always come first.

On the workfront, never the most interesting of subjects I decided after months of feeling the least important supervisor to pluck up the courage to speak to my line manager one up. In the past few months I have spoken to my line manager about doing her duties but nothing has come of it and now with her moving to a new post I just feel it will be back to square one again. So I asked to speak to her to express my concerns and to basically say I deserve a chance. Anyway we will see if anything comes of it. At the moment I have decided when November comes and manager jobs are advertised I will give it a bash. However, I need to keep strong and not let doubts creep in or a defeatist attitude. I know I am good enough to do this and know that if I ever get the chance I will prove it.

Well I'm astonished, the person taking over the manager role is MC. Firstly I'd expected that it would be DC, he seems to be the blue eyed boy and the obvious choice. Secondly, MC is just unbelievably difficulr to understand, not only does she have a very strong scottish accent which isn't really the problem, she mumbles her words and is totally incoherent. Once again when it seems things are going okay it all goes wrong, it always seems that's the way it goes for me. Anyway, its only until Nov/Dec as I have been told the posts are to be advertised. All I can do is just keep being polite and pleasant to her, don't make any jokes and certainly no discussions about anything really as she is such a religious bigot.

Well what has happened over the past week or so since the Garburn Trail. It took me all week to recover from the muscle soreness particularly in the quad muscles. I also felt a bit nausious all week I don't know if it was down to stress or a mild stomach bug as food seemed to be passing through my system fairly quickly which is a change from constipation I have to say. On a number of days I felt incredibly drained and exhausted, it wasn't anything to do with the trail run, I'm experienced enough to know the difference. Even standing up was an effort and I was continually yawning, another factor may have been bad sleeping.

I eventually discovered what the noises coming from the chimney breast. For days I had heard theses noises and had put them down to next door possibly doing some sort of work but I should have probably paid more attention after Pebbles the cat sat in front of the fire place and just stared at it. A few days after this following more noises I decided to check with the neighbours who confirmed no work was taking place, I made the decision to look up the chimney and was shocked to see the underbelly of what appeared to be a seagull as all I could see was white and at first I thought strangely it was one of those fluffy dusters. I got straight onto the RSPCA for someone to come and rescue it. It was the following mid morning (Tuesday or Wednesday I think) when they came. The bird was rescued, which turned out to be a pidgeon. He reckoned that it had been there for about ten days as it had lost weight and the poor thing looked very sorry for itself. He gave it something to rehydrate the bird and took it away. I do hope it pulls through.

My mood over the past week or so I feel has improved, I still find it extremely difficult to get out but don't continually have that depressed feeling which has plagued me. I do want to get out and try to use the time I have fruitfully but I loosely plan things and never carry them through, although I have made a conscious effort to try to get up each day by 9:30am at the latest.

On Sunday I made the decision to go and do the Grasmere Gallop 7 mile trail race. I mentioned this to both my sister and brother in law as a sort of way of forcing myself to go through with it. I was glad I did go, although it was a really hot day as it had been weatherwise for the past few days. I arrived early at around 9:00 as I needed to enter the event. The race kicked off at 10:45am from the Grasmere Garden Centre heading out and around Grasmere Lake. I did struggle not only with the uphill but also the heat and after aound eight minutes I walked for a bit as the ups and downs took it out of me. The route headed through some woods and across to what I later found to be called Loughrigg Cave and on across country still with plenty of hard going ups and downs. The heat and terrain was killing me and although this stretch saw some downhill the sun was burning down. It was a relief to hit the shade of tree cover which was short lived with a tough road bit that lasted for around a mile before returning in to more woods, crossing the shoreside of what I presume was Grasmere Lake before again another uphill stretch through woods again. I asked at the water station about how far to go and took on extra water before ploughing on to another water station. One mile to go back into the village she said as I wearly ploughed on, it was more like a mile and I half I thought as when passing the original start the next guy said half a mile to go. I felt dead on my feet but was still able to overtake a women who had been a long way ahead and I headed up finishing a minute ahead of her.

To finish off my day in the Lakes I quickly changed into my walking gear and went up Silver How. With the heat and having just done a 7 mile trail race it was a bit hard going but when I eventually reached the top it was a lovely view as I sat for a while in the warm June sunshine. I was exhausted though and decided on the quickest return to my car. I descended down what as a really steep path and at times used the bracken to hold onto as I came down. By 4pm I was back at my car and ready to make the journey back home.

Monday went quietly, my legs were too sore to do much exercise so instead I did some housework to occupy myself. The only drama of the day was the woman next door but one to me locked herself out and so we borrowed some long ladders and I offered to climb in through the top window via the window flap at the top. I got in quite easily really one leg at a time so I was sat on the ledge before junping across to the bed. The lady over the road was amazed and said she couldn't watch her husband had to give her a running commentary, they had both been impressed at how I had the bottle to do it.

Today Tuesday, I did try a run but my left shin was very painful so instead I did 5k on my bike and then went to the gym and did 30 mins on the ski machine, a few exercises and then 20 lengths in the pool.

The kids had their cup final today at Haig Ave. Unfortunately we lost, it was so unlucky we were 2-0 up and two bad defensive errors lead to a draw at half time. In extra time the other team scored from a corner when one of our players had the last touch to divert the ball into the corner of the net. So it was 3-2 to them. It's not the losing though that disappointed me most, it was the attitude and behaviour of the opposition. Their management was a disgrace, they are absolutely horrible, they did nothing but intimidate and bully through the entire match. People like that should have no place in kids football.

I was supposed to be running the Croxteth 10k today but had no enthusiasm so didn't bother going. One reason being my shins, another the fact I would be so slow and didn't want the disappointment.

So just popped to Tesco and pottered around the house all day. I have packed my rucksack for a trip to the Lakes tomorrow, I've printed out all the walk details and packed the map etc, so I am hoping that in the morning I will be motivated enough to go through with it.

The kids won today, it wasn't the best performance of the season but they did enough by winning 2-3. We were 3-0 up and I put on TW, unfortunately as soon as that happened things started to collapse so I had to take him off again. Anyway we made runners up in the U11 league.

It was back home then to watch Man United beat Everton 2-4 from 2-0 down and with Chelsea only drawing at home to Bolton, United are five points ahead with only a few games left.

Didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Still off work today, though I had no intention of going in anyway ,didn’t really do anything much. Got up around 10:30am and pottered I’ve not a great deal of motivation to do anything but I suppose in the circumstances of my lower legs/ankles hurting so much its not a bad thing totally. In the afternoon I did pop to town and get a hydration rucksack, it’s a 15 litre one as it needs to be able to fit in a map, compass, gps, waterproof etc. I wanted it so I would be able to do runs that take me more off the beaten track including doing a trial run of the Garburn Trail at the start of June so I at least know what I have let myself in for. I am hoping to go on Monday but I have had a number of intentions to go the Lakes but not got there as yet so we will have to wait and see.

I did seem to be a bit more at ease about doing the u6s this evening which is an improvement from having no desire whatsoever and just begrudgingly going through the motions.

I did get up this morning and struggle to walk, the pain is coming from my shins and ankles and this morning the veins in my ankles and feet where very prominent, I’m not sure of what the cause is whether its down to the blood flow. Eventually, I got more movement with my Achilles tendons seemed to be loosening and allowing me to place my heel down without feeling they were going to snap. I’m not sure whether or not I will be able to do the Croxteth Park 10k on Sunday.

I swept the lounge floor today in excess of five time, it got a bit obsessive really and I’m not really sure why I kept doing it. I also dusted and hovered upstairs. My nephew C kept coming around so the little soul did keep my mood up and prevented any thinking about work which did help but I wasn’t fortunate enough not to let it enter my thinking for the entire day. I sent an email to CV which in hindsight I probably wouldn’t have cos I just feel that she is probably thinking I’m being a bit of a drama queen and just going into a sulk and thinking I’m just doing this to get my own way. But I’ve already had that conversation with myself and it certainly isn’t the case. It’s just the thought of firstly, feeling that I just cause trouble wherever I go, I am just a problem for people and they just want rid of me. I am 40 now and just going nowhere, in my career if you can call it that is just a total failure. When people say are you still working there I feel totally ashamed and I dare not tell them I am still a lowly grade. Secondly, having to move to somewhere the work is totally boring and a total dead end causes me so much anxiety. If I could get another job with similar pay I would go for it but I just have no skills that I could utilise. Alternatively if I could finance it in some way I would leave and retrain. Anyway enough moaning it just brings me down again.