Reflections

I stuck to my plan to go and do some hills in Rivington even though mood wise I just feel the whole worlds against me. I ended up runnning and walking around a route that took me from the Hall Barn where I parked up to Rivington Pike. I do like the area and a few stops came in handy to look at the views. Lever Park was given the the people by Lord Leverhulme, its a bit like his playground really with terraced gardens, now overgrown, with ornamental bridges, buildings on the terraces, the pidgeon tower higher up. I tried to jog and walk when having to, up the many stair cases and across the paved terraces to reach the level of the pidgeon tower. From here it was a right turn onto the rocky pavement that heads towards Rivington Pike. The path descended before again climbing up on to the path, the path I chose wound its way up in a spiral fashion and I ran for a minute had a brief rest and ran for another minute, I continued this pattern until I reached the top.

I stopped a while to take in the view and plan my next direction. There was a path that stretched across the moor towards Winter Hill, it looked a bit wet and boggy but I thought I could jog and walk the rough bits. I did have to pick my way across parts but it wasn't long before I reached the summit of Winter Hill with its numerous aerials. I walked across the top, jogging a bit. By that stage though my head was screwed. All I could think of is all this hassle at work. No matter what I do it ends up in disaster, everyone is so much better than me at everything. AG says he's going to speak to me again tomorrow as he had said I should think about whether this job is right for me, in otherwords he and everyone else wants me out. If I didn't have a mortgage to pay I would just walk away from it all but I can't, if I could get another job I would but that would never happen, I am the ultimate poison chalice for everyone. To be honest if I didn't have my nephews in my life I would just end it all. My life is shit and that's as good as it gets.

I carried on and I managed to run down the other side of Winter Hill to join the path back to the Pidgeon Tower I did walks bits as the path got quite rocky and uneven in parts and was jarring my ankles and shins. I got to the Pidgeon Tower and started heading down the terraces. I got to some ornamental steps, sat down and just started to cry. Why is it people hate me so much, they are always happy to criticise me but I don't blame them I'm just not a nice person to know. If there's two possibilities or interpretations they always see the negative bit, they always think the worse of me, no matter what they only focus on what fits and proves to them that I'm just a horrible, useless individual. I'm sure they all think thats why I have no friends and there probably all right.

I continued heading back towards my car but unfortunately ended up coming down a bit of course and after asking the way I was only slightly adrift and so it only took a few minutes to jog to the car. What should have been a pleasant day out was frankly just ruined I just couldn't switch off. I'm meant to be having this appointment tomorrow at the HC but really I just would prefer to cancel the way I'm feeling at the moment. Not only am I just not in the mood I am also thinking AG will be annoyed with me yet again because of the time of the appointment even though I only got the letter last Friday, he is probably thinking I have told him at the last moment. If this is going to be such an issue then I will cancel.

Its a restart on the diet this morning. I weighed myself and I am 8st 2lb I also started on yesterday. I probably won't get much exercise today as my legs are sore, actually they are killing. I have planned to go and do some hill work tomorrow at Rivington so hopefully the pain will subside. I also need to go home this afternoon via the post office to collect my new trainers. They had come on Saturday morning but as I am always at the football I wasn't there.

The phones are mad this morning, they've just not stopped and I now have a headache.

Just when I think things are calming down it all kicks off. AG had another go at me, I just can't do anything right. I seem to just irritate everyone without even trying. I'm just inferior to everyone else, thats just a fact, he even said that everyone else was good except me. If it wasn't a case of having to pay the mortgage I would just walk out and never go back again. There just seems to be no answer, no way for things to be better. I have to learn to say nothing to anyone and then I won't hopefully irritate them. I just can't seem to get on with anyone. At times I wish I could just kill myself and be done with it all. Thats the only way out, getting another job is just totally beyond me. I have no skills and I would never get past an interview. I am just trapped in this job with no hope whatsoever, with the only way out death or retirement which ever comes first.

Well another of my 2007 challenges was completed today. It was the Liverpool half marathon. The day had a quite a stressful start I had set off at just before eight to get there. I had intended to get up a bit earlier but didn't. With the empty Sunday morning roads I made good time for the drive to Liverpool and all was going great until I reached about a mile away from the Kings Docks. The race documentation had insisted this is where we park and that buses would ferry us the the start in Sefton Park. It took me about 20 mins to get that final mile and ended up in a multi storey car park. The last bus was scheduled at 9:00am and it was 8:55 before I was able to join the massive queue. When I was approaching the front of the queue we were informed that the race would be delayed, when I got on a bus at 9:05am ish there was still a good thousand people behind me. I think the volume of non runners that used the buses caused the problem and there probably should have been some sort of rule that only runners could board and then spectators.

Anyway I got to the start and managed to check in my bag after changing and finding a suitable spot for wee. I didn't have any time though for any sort of warm up, but never mind I had made it. The plan was to just take it steady, it had been about 10 years since I last did any sort of distance and in training I had only run anywhere near the distance once. We left Sefton Park on the poorly maintained roads doing a loop around the park dodging the pot holes. Just before exiting the park I was spotted by fellow club members Norman, Sheila and Brian who shouted some support my way. Brian made a comment I was overdressed, I had chosen Lyrca shorts that came above the knee and a lightweight fluo longsleeved T'shirt under my club vest and although it was warmish at that stage I would be glad of it later on in the course. At the park gates there was a small brass band that played us on our way.

The course was advertised as one flat lap, how wrong that was, it was more like hills, hills and hills, in fact I never knew Liverpool had so many. Apparently the course had been changed from the previous years because of road works. At mile 3 we ran down Croxteth Road and headed down Princes Avenue and then into Upper Parliament St. On the other side of the road the leaders were already on their way back, not a nice sight when your on the other side like me. I could also see the aggressive rise that awaited me. We then did a loop down Duke Street, Paradise St, Park Lane before heading back over that dreaded hill. I was determined not to stop and thankfully I didn't. On the down bits, yes there were just a few I tried to just let myself go and relax down the hill.

I ploughed on trying to maintain some sort of pace I wasn't feeling to bad even with all the hills and had made the half way point in 1 hour 5 mins. The route headed back in a strange fashion and you kept heading back on yourself which can be a bit sole destroying. After 1 hour 46 min running I have to admit I walked for a brief time. I was struggling and then turned the corner to be faced with another climb. Not another hill I thought, my legs were now running on empty and getting to the top of that hill was just a bridge to far. I had already passed the nine mile marker and thought I've still another 4 plus to go. The down bits got me going again and I just tried to let myself go, relax and just go with the descent rather than trying brake. I passed quite a few people who didn't. I had 2 miles to go and after another very brief walk I decided that it was all the way to the finish line without any stops, in fact as I turned the corner to the finish line of which the run up was grass I found myself really, well almost sprinting. I was determined to get there before my watch turned to 2 hours 15 mins. Thankfully on crossing the line my watch said 2 hours 14 mins and 51 seconds.

My originally target was no more than 2:15 and with the added factor of all those dam hills I was quite content with that time. It will be interesting to see the results and compare individual performances with last years times, to see what difference the course change caused as everyone was stayoing how the previous course was flat.

My day didn't end there I have to say, after a brief walk around or rather hobble and stagger to collect my belongings and get my tracky bottoms and sweatshirt, it was back in the queue for the bus to get back to the docks and my car. It was there I had to sit in my car for what seemed ages without even moving, at one stage many car drivers beeped their horns in some some of orchestra to pass the time but surely they could have organised things better than this. It doesn't take as long to empty Old Trafford with 80 thousand people. It was 2:30pm before I got home.

I would consider doing this race again as long as they could improve the organisation and also include a few more snacks in the so called goody bag. All there was, was a bottle of water and two very thin dry oat biscuits, a tiny jar of vaseline and two sachets of stuff to put on sore muscles. Although the medal was quite nice, if not small, there was no T'shirts was disappointing as most big events these days give you a commemorative t'shirt.

Well this morning started with a bit of a worry. With kids away and sick including our keeper who had opted to go on a rugby tournament much to our annoyance we had been left with only 11 players that is until AR cried off sick leaving us with 10. I had to ring up one of the unwell kids and ask if he would just go in goal for us and thankfully he did, I was not comfortable in doing so, to be honest. This game was a six pointer, the winner putting themselves in pole position to finish second in the league. With no subs to make it was down to the eleven on the pitch. We started off really strongly, dominating the game, it was a while though until the deadlock was broken with AF scoring a vital goal for us. Although we controlled vast parts of the game its always on a knife edge at one nil so we were all relieved when AF got his second and our opponents never looked capable of coming back from that. A third was added from CH and a fourth from JG. As promised at the start of the game, if they won, all the players who played today and are available next week would start the next game.

With my half marathon tomorrow it was a case of no running today. I popped into Halfords and bought a bike helmet that was on offer as the mini triathlon I'm going to enter states its compulsary. I've never had a helmet before as I am a child of the seventies, we just learned not to fall off our bikes.

I also did a bike time trial over the 5k distance which is the distance in the triathlon. I did it in 16:07 mins which included going over about 20 speed bumps and a hill and over half the wind was against me. So it wasn't bad for a first time as I haven't been on my bike that often recently. Looking at the 2005 results from the event I would have been the 7th fastest on the bike which isn't bad really. With some training I'm sure I could reduce that time.

A bit later I went to JJB and did a swim time trial over the 150m which is 6 lengths of the pool. I recorded a time of 4:00 mins dead. Now with being so small I'm not made for swimming and its also difficult to start and stop the stopwatch as I found when your in the water. Anyway with a bit of practice I'm sure I could shave off 10-15 secs of that time. On the 2005 results it would have put be 19th fastest in the water, so improvement is required.

As for the run, later in the week I will do the same. I should be able to do the run in 13 mins or less, so speedwork is required as I am capable of doing it in about 12 or less mins. In all if use 13 mins plus the times from bike and swimm plus 3 mins for the transitions it would place me around sixth place.

My nephew J did really well in the school cross country yesterday, he came 5th which was great for someone whose strength is speed and not distance. L his footy teammate came first but that was expected as his dad is a bit over the top and has him out running all the time. After the event he even expressed an interest to do more. I had spoken to him before to stress starting of easy and keeping comfortable and that's what he did. I tracked his way around the course and was there at the final bend to will him on to put on a fast finish which he did. He was really pleased with himself and I was really pleased for him.

It was also the kids U11 training, we have a really important game on Saturday, if we beat this team we can finish second as long as we win our other remaining matches. It was really annoying therefore that our goalkeeper has chosen to play rugby instead so we will have to sacrifice one of our strikers to go in goal which will be a big blow in such an important game. I have decided that I will not start him in the following game at all as its not fair that other players who are desparate for a game are left out for him to come straight back in.

I answered the phone solidly now for over an hour without a break, I am going to have to have a break.

I had originally planned to do a run last night but with J's cross country and then the kids footy there wasn't really any opportunity so I may go for a light jog, the last before Sunday. I've just phoned the company I'm getting my trainers from and unfortunately there has been a delay so its unlikely I'll have them for Sunday as even though she's sending them Royal Mail Special Delivery to arrive on Saturday, if they come in the morning I obviously won't be in

Its Thursday and nearly the end of the week, last night was quite really I had the last indoor U6 footy session before going outdoors after Easter which will give me a short break. The day is moving to Friday as it suits me as there are a number of races that fall on a Wednesday evening that I may decide to enter. The U11s which is this evening is also the last indoor session after which it will continue outside on a Thursday, probably about six as the clocks change at the weekend and that means lighter evenings. Eventually, after all matches are over I will move it to a Saturday morning as we have done in the past, this will probably be in May as the last league game is scheduled on the 28th April.

I managed to mop the floors last night so that's another weekly job done. My plan is that if I go for a run tonight it may be my final run giving me some recovery time before Sunday's half marathon. I am taking ibuprofen at the moment to try and alleviate the shin problem and reduce the inflammation, so hopefully it will have an effect. I keep thinking if I going to do this mini triathlon I will need to get back on my bike and do a bit more swimming. The distances in the event are very short as it just a 'have a try' event, the swimming is 150m which is only 6 lengths of a 25 metre pool, the bike part is 5k which I believe is over grass and the run is 2.5k which is just over a mile and a half. All being well on Saturday I may pop down to JJB pool and just time myself, I know I can do 30 lengths in just under 30 mins but that's at a steady no rush pace, so it will be interesting to compare my time with results posted on the net from previous years. As for the bike, the route is off road so its hard to gauge. When I used to peddle to work which is about 3 miles and which included two bridges/hills over the railway plus all the stops for a number of buy roads and traffic lights it used to take me about 20 mins. Again I will have a trial run. The final the run I should be able to do in under 15 mins given I have the energy left but its a case of you give all that you have left. Again a trial run is required.

For the next few months I will need to include swimming, biking and running. For the swimming its 150 metre reps, for the biking its 5k reps. For the running I will need to make sure I include speedwork, lots of hill runs and distance runs. I am going to utilise the Parbold area and the hill around Rivington. I have booked Tuesday off and my intention is to head off that way and run some routes. I would also like to complete the full route of the Parbold Hill Race as I had to make a few diversions last Sunday because of the weather.

I am going early today as my nephew is doing a cross country event for school kids in year 6. Now my nephew is the fastest kid bar non in all his football league age division or any other kid I have come accross. Now when I say fast I mean unbelievably fast, his speed is awesome and his change of pace incredible. However, having no real experience of doing any sort of distance run he has the habit of letting his nerves get the better of him and starting off way too fast, so hopefully this time he will have learned to take it nice and easy at the start and use his speed at the end. So we shall see.

I went for a 5 mile run last night it took me 47:03 which wasn't bad as the distance is probably just over five. As I got into the run my shin pain wasn't as bad as it has been, I think that running on more even ground obviously causes less aggravation. After a relatively relaxed start which was also against quite a strong wind I tried to maintain a good pace, it was a good 2 1/2 miles before not having to run against the wind. However, it did seem the wind had dropped a bit and the wind push I expected unfortunatley didn't happen as much as I thought but nevertheless the time was okay.

I also managed to clean and hoover the bathroom, dust and hoover the bedroom and the stairs so that's made me feel I'm more back on track as last week I just seemed to give up on everything.

We've just had a meeting at work and it appears that what I have said to both my LM and CLM has had some effect as now instead of saying that phones is all I will be doing there has been some movement. I suspect its more as a result of my CLM to be honest but either way at least learning and developing skills won't be just ignored. I do feel better now the past couple of weeks depression has really affected me. At times I felt I was just being awkward but sometimes I can catrasophize and get develop all sorts of theories. But at the end of the day I still fell I have to do more than the next person whatever it is, that way people won't have an excuse to have a go at me. I'll no doubt probably have to do some 5 o'clocks which is a bit of a pain as I like to finish early but I do accept that it has to be done and I don't want people having a go.

I think I'm through the worst of my bout of depression, well hopefully. I did some shopping at Tesco after work yesterday but that was it really. I later watched the footy of the telly, Man Utd won but it wasn't a great game to watch to be honest. My nephew J came around to watch it ended up on the PC for part of the game because it was so dull. It was just a case of Middlesbrough had come to defend and the game was Man Utd trying to break them down. Anyway they're through to the semi now against Watford.

I didn't do any running last night on the one hand I want to rest with the hope of the shin pain going but on the other hand I am worried that I will end up back at square one with everything. I've got a feeling that I am approaching that time, my stomach just feels and looks a bit bloated, I just hope if it is then its in the next day as the last thing I want is for it to affect me on Sunday in the half marathon. If my shins are still painful I will just have to take painkillers.

I'm trying my best to get back on track as everything has collapsed. I seem to have abandoned everything. I need to get back on the diet, Ive just eaten so much I daren't weigh myself. I will leave that to the end of the week. I also need to restablish my To Do list, already the house is looking messy. As my mood spiraled down things got abandoned and that sense of failure just made me feel even worse.

As for the running I have that half marathon next Sunday and I am still getting shin pain. I only intend doing light running this week in the run up to it but I just wish that the problem would clear up I have a new pair of trainers on order so fingers crossed hopefully will sort out the problem. I originally ordered a Nike pair that came last week but they weren't the colour I'd ordered and I am fed up with pale blue. They have agreed to send me another pair I identified at a lower cost than advertised. So they are sending me the new ones which are adidas adistar control in red and a package to send back the Nike ones.

My sister told me quite an amusing story the other day. She was out but her husband and my nephew C were in. Apparently a friend of hers had rang and C had picked up the phone and when asked by the caller for his mum he had replied she wasn't in but if she (the caller) were to leave her number he would get her to call back. His dad was unaware of this and it only came to light because my sisters friend phoned back later that day.

The kids footy final is going to be on the first bank holiday weekend in May, either the Sunday or Monday. I am hoping it will be on the Sunday rather than the Monday as I've entered the Waterloo 15k on that day. There's a good chance it will be the Sunday at 10am with us being the youngest age group. The kids are really excited that its at Haig Ave. I have been told that one team has been deducted nine points for using an inelligible player in three games. I don't know how true or not this is but it shouldn't really make any difference to us.

To Do List w/c 19 March 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue with gardening
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in March.
Fill out and send endowment questionnaire.
Enter Gin Pit 5
Enter Rivington Pike Race

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want.
Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

Its Sunday I even though the weather was horrendous I was determined to get out and do a bit of running. I've been looking at a few offroad routes around Parbold and Rivington but I had decided to follow the route of the Parbold Race. I'd never done the race so I thought I see what it was like and with the need to do some hill work off I went. I parked my car just off Lancaster Lane which is half way around the route, it just seemed a better starting point. I headed up the tarmaced Miry Lane a quite lane that ascends toward Parbold Hill just off the main route. The wind was behind me and kept shoving along, a bit further on the lane turns into a narrow path which meets the main Parbold Hill Road and the big arduous climb to the top, no many how many times you do this hill it never gets any easier. Past the church and to that awful bit where it turns a corner and gets even steeper before eventually approaching the top with a less aggressive but still exhausting ascent.

After plodding my way to the top I took a left down a footpath just before the Wiggin Tree Pub. I had to climb over a stile before the gentle decent on what was a very rough grassy path I needed to take care as although it was soft with patches of mud there was a risk of turning an ankle for example. The galeforce wind was now hitting me from the side pushing me off balance. A bit further on I briefly stopped to check the map, its a route that you need some map reading skills when doing it for the first time. The path skirts the edge of small wooded area before path levels out and narrows. The paths were getting even more muddy and if was difficult going trying to avoid the worst of it. As the path climbed towards the road I walked the last bit as the path was so wet.

At the road known as High Moor, it was a quick right, past the pub and then left down another footpath. Then came about a third of a mile of concrete driveway, and it was somedriveway, this part was an easy stretch with the only obstable being a cattle grid which I had to carefully walk over. The weather now came in and the hail came down almost vertical in the high winds. I stopped to shelter a while behind a tree, it seemed the most sensible thing to do. I checked my map for the next stage which veared off the driveway and back offroad, heading through some woods again sheltering from another blast of hail and then taking an immediate left to follow the path which hugged the perimeter of some fields. I passed a group of walkers coming in the opposite direction before I reached yet another stile. Again I stopped to take a look at the map, I should have been near a windmill but I could not see one. I walked up a few metres or so to higher ground and there it was, it was a ruin, so I picked up the path again through some more woods negotiating tree roots and rocky parts of the path where the path has sudden drops of 30-40 cm. This slowed me up a lot but I didn't mind as I wasn't concerned with timing. The path eventually came out at Jacksons Lane and with the weather looking even gloomier I decided to do the remaining distance on the road. I did have to walk a bit up the steep road and then another hail shower meant I needed to shelter under a tree where a cyclist had had the same idea. After a short while I continued along Bannister Lane and Whittle Lane to the point it meets Stony Lane where I took a left and it was all downhill from there to the junction of Lancaster Lane. It was then a short run back to the car to warm up. It roughly took me about 1:17 hour/mins not too bad considering the route was new to me, so I had numerous stops to map read and shelter. Also the weather certainly didn't help, it was awful and its supposed to be March.

The kids did it today, on a blustery day we travelled the seven miles to our opponents pitch to play in the cup semi final. It was the opposition who were producing the early pressure as our defenders flapped somewhat. We were playing against the wind and against the ref it seemed. Now I'm definitely not a person who criticises referees, quite the opposite. My concerns started I have to say when he arrived, he looked the worse for wear and half a sleep, somewhat dopey. Both myself and a parent looked at each other, we were thinking the same thing. You can cope with a poor ref if he is poor for both sides but unfortunately it wasn't the case, in the first half we weren't given a freekick but our opposition was given freekick after freekick and we are not a physical side. Then it got worse the opposition keeper fumbled an easy collection and our striker AF ran through to squeeze the ball into an empty net. One nil we thought but to our disbelief the ref disallowed it we believe for offside when there was no chance he was off. A few minutes later AF ran through again and was clearly brought down, penalty we all cried but he would give it. Tempers were beginning to get frayed and I asked for people to calm it a bit, even I found myself shouting and that's unheard of. At half time I had to say to the players that unfortunately we had no control over the ref, I wasn't going to do the kids an indignity by defending the guy but simply said we had to focus on the things we can control in otherwords our own performance.

The second half saw us dominate, JG terrorised their defence with his powerful runs down boths sides as well as the central area. LB was magnificent at right back and AF never stopped running and battling. It was a great individual effort that our first goal came as JG after knocking the ball to the side hit a fantastic shot which curled into the top corner. The game went on and although we continued to dominate the opposition still posed a danger but found our keeper JV on top form. We created a number of chances which we probably should have killed of the game earlier but it was the never give up attitude of AF that sealed it for us, enabling JG to slot the ball into a open net.

I've not moved now for 3 hours, my mouth is so dry and I have pains in my left side. I have dealth with 25 calls already and I have not taken this headset off my head for the past 3 hours. My eyes have not left the screen for more than a couple of seconds, this is my life and I need to start accepting that this is as good as it will get. There's a new person on the block and I have already been told how wonderful she is and I am feeling an outsider already. It just comes down to the fact I am not a very popular or likeable person. I have started keeping stats on how many calls people take because I know that this is the only way people will accept that I take the most calls by far as my LM doesn't think I pulling my weight. At this point I should be putting into practice all this stuff about negative thinking etc from the psychologist but frankly I don't give a shit. I keep thinking if only I could get out of this place but I need to pay my mortgage and there's no hope in getting another job with any prospects, not at my age. So this is it really for the next 20 years with the only escape either winning the lottery which there is no chance of whatsoever or dying.

The father of that kid CB phoned last night to say he won't be coming again, frankly I wasn't that bothered. If he and his son can't accept that it they who are in the wrong then there's not a lot we can do. I can't believe his father also phoned up K, unless he was hoping for him to take his side. He must have realised that we discuss everything, it just looks like he was trying to play one off against the other. If the boy won't even accept that an apology to the boy whose arm he nearly broke is called for then he's better going. I have told his dad that I wouldn't say anything to the other kids for two weeks to give CB a chance to think about what he wants. Both him and his dad expect him to be in the starting eleven each week but that is just not going to happen.

We have this semi tomorrow and still no word from the opposition, its all a bit strange, you'd have thought he'd of made sure everything was done, I am wondering whether he has contacted the ref. I have told all the kids to be there tomorrow at the usual time.

I was thinking this evening, this think at work, it appears to me that all along AG didn't want me, I was forced on him, I'm just seen as a problem. I just need to accept that no matter how much I try nothing goes right and it all ends in disaster and I am held responsible for everything any anything, so I think its best for all concerned that I just give up trying to improve my situation because it will never improve. I will always have to make sure that I do more than others because otherwise they will have a go at me. I just need to keep my head down and just see it as a means of paying the mortgage. I am just inferior to the others so I will just have to accept that and get on with it. I'm just being realistic and trying to protect myself from more criticism and hurt.

I was a bit worried that LF hadn't put our semi squad list in yesterday for the kids footy, it has to be submited and recieved 7 days before the match which was last Saturday. Thankfully after rechecking with him all is okay and we've had acknowledgement from the league all player are cleared. I just had visions of us being kicked out the competition because the paperwork hadn't been done. The situation will out opposition is rather unclear though. When I spoke to LF a couple of days ago he had said that he'd received their copy. Last night I asked him to scan and email me the sheet which he did. On the sheet it says received on the 12 Mar 07 and doesn't have the club sec signature. Now the rule book states that the sheet must be received seven days before and names of any players after this date cannot be added. If no sheet is received players are ineligible and the team expelled from the competion. So it really depends upon how the league decide to interpret this. The way I read it is that on the 10 Mar 07 deadline we didn't have any team squad list and therefore all their players are inelligible. However, I believe the league will cop out and allow the other team to play. The rule makes no reference to late submission of sheet and any subsequent fines made on that basis. So at this stage a few days before the game I have totally no idea what if anything is going to happen.

Its my birthday today, I got a gift from the people I work with. It was two very nice photo frames and some Thornton chocs, I think I may put photos of J & C. Its a bit of a paradox really, it makes me really embarassed but if they hadn't I would have been really hurt. I really wasn't in the best of moods yesterday. Today something has seized in the left side of my neck, its probably connected to the stress which I wipped myself up to.

I am planning to go to that school match after work. I spoke to my sister last night about CB and she is expressed her opinion that although he works hard he not a very strong player and falls to the ground to much something which the other parents have commented on apparently. I am there to observe so I will try and keep my distance from his dad to have some objectivity and avoid distraction.

I sort of gave up on the diet last night and had a bit of a binge. I'm just a bit down at the moment so I didn't even bother to do my daily weigh in. I can't run because of the dam pain in my shins and my hamstrings are still killing me. I am not going to weigh myself now until Friday. I was a bit worried yesterday about this garburn trail I have entered, I started getting negative thoughts thinking I had done the wrong thing by entering the race and sort of biting off more than I can chew. I would feel better if I could check out the route before the day and I am considering going up to the lakes and running/walking the route so at least the fear of the unknown won't be an issue.

I was watching the second episode of that Fallen Angel drama last night when I got a phone call from a football parent last night at 9:30pm, yes a bit late I know. Anyway, it was another call from SB complaining his son is treated unfairly and that the other kids are abusive towards him. To be honest, enough was enough and in a controlled manner I let him have it. Over the past few months he has continually kicked out and elbowed his teammates in training to the extent none of the like him anymore. He's always been a bit aloof but now the kids are growing up and not silently accepting it. The other week he lunged into a teammate so badly the other kid almost broke his arm and was left in floods of tears, CB refused to check his teammate was okay even when requested to do so. The look on his face just showed he didn't care one bit. His dad says this is frustration because he's not in the team but as I said this fact has nothing to do with the other kids, its not their fault and violence cannot be used as a justification for anything as I assertively informed him. The issue about not getting a game is so far from the truth, the kid has had many starts this season and when sub he has always got a decent amount of the game. His dad complained I only start him in games against weaker teams and yes there is an element of truth in that but at the end of the day I have to select strong sides against strong opposition as no one will tank me for getting beat because I put on all the weaker players.

CB causes his team mates a problem when as I told his father he frequently falls over or totally misses the ball, this has nothing to do with confidence, its about ability. When given instructions he does seem to want to follow them, he just wants to do his own thing. The other week a team was given a penalty albeit one that should never have been awarded, a player had run down the wing unchallenged becuase CB had decided he wasn't going to track back but stand up on the half way line alongside the forwards. I also mentioned that the other kids are openly questioning the fact that when he goes down injured that he actually is injured, they say he's faking it and although I always defend CB publically to them, privately I agree with them. For example, last week I was right next to him when he tried to knock another teammate off the ball, unfortunatley for him he's picked on the strongest and most well balanced player in the whole squad and CB lost his balance and went down but he was clutching his shin. Now there's no way the other kid made any sort of contact whatsoever with his legs so therefore how could the other kid have kicked him, it was impossible. So all I can deduct from that is CB was trying to hoodwink me into believing that the other player had kicked him when he obviously had not.

To cut a long story short the kid isn't as strong a footballer than the other kids, however, I am more than fair to him and he has had and still has ample opportunity. I would not be drawn on putting him in the starting eleven just because his father is complaining, to get into the starting line up the kid has to show he is good enough. I will be having a conversation with CB, his dad wants me to protect him but I've done that enough in the past when in hindsight I should have intervened earlier. He needs to stop treating his teamates as the enemy, his dad keeps claiming the other kids are picking on him and that's not true they are only reacting to the treatment he is giving them. His dad claims they keep saying stuff to him and again I nor KH has heard this, otherwise we would have challenged this as we don't tolerate any bullying behaviour whatsover. The kid needs to stop throwing himself to the ground giving the impression somebody has fouled him when its clear nothing has happened or feigning injury. I have told his father that I will try and get to his school game and watch him as his dad seems to be saying he is a world beater, which I know isn't true as my nephew is at that school and so I seen him play for his school. Nevertheless, I will try, also I will to a bit of player analysis on him. I will be observing his interactions with other players, how many times he miss kicks the ball, how many good passes are made and how may times he fouls opponents and falls over too easily and maybe a few other things. This will help me in trying to make his father realise that his son is not a footballing superstar.

Switching subjects I am still the one expected to answer these phones leaving others free, even when they are having a social chat. All I do now is answer phones and change passwords, saying the same things to people all day long. Everytime the phone rings I feel my LM eyes on me making sure I pick up the call regardless of anything else I have to do. CV had a chat with me last Friday I think or it could have been Thursday, anyway she was wanting to check out how things were. Now it turns out somebody and I have a good idea who has said to her firstly, that I was not happy to change rooms and secondly, that I didn't like answering the phones. I was gobsmacked to be honest, what gives these people the right to tell others what I may be or not thinking or feeling. As I explained to CV on the room issue that I hadn't even mentioned the subject AG had said something about there was a possibility of moving up to the third floor, at the time I never responded because at the time we were in a workshop thingy, I never gave either positive or negative feedback. It was only a day or so later when LM who sits opposite me mentioned it I replied AG had said something about it to me and I make a tongue in cheek comment about not being in the same room for more than a few weeks. On the other subject yes I was concerned about always being the one to answer the phone intially and the fact that was all I was doing now therefore not learning anything else to help me get on. However, I did say I accepted that this passwords was part of the job but that I didn't want them to be 100% of my job which its is at the moment, so at least I've said something so hopefully I won't end up just doing this all week, every week.

Well its one day to go to that day, I bought myself a mini cake last night, I thought to myself that no one else would, it was a eeorh one, the donkey from Winnie the Pooh. I can identify with the character as he always seems down in the dumps and depressed.
This is how I feel, it's my birthday tomorrow and and all I can think is that no body cares, my family, people at work, just nobody. My life has just been a total waste of time and failure I will be 40, that's 40 years of achieving nothing, 40 years of being the one to blame, 40 years of misery. People say life begins at 40, for me its just the beginning of the end.
In my career if you can call it that, those around me have got on been promoted whilst I have been left behind. All this time I have battled to get on but when everyone hates you its impossible. I'm the person everyone loves to see fail. In life again its been total failure, I've never been loved, there has never been that special person for me, no kids no love or to love me. Financially I will always struggle, no money nor inheritance will ever come my way.

Forty is a time you should be able to sit back with a sense of how far you have come in life and what you have achieved. Instead my life has just been a catalogue of disappointments. As a child I used to think everybody is good at something, so surely there must be something I am good at but alas I was delluded. I am just left with regrets. I have no real friends, I'm not a loner either but simply exist on my own. My sister lives next door but she only ever comes around when she wants something, not to chat to me or see how I am. In almost 10 years of living where I do nobody has ever come to visit socially, at christmas now I don't even bother to put up a tree for there is nobody to see it. If it wasn't for my two nephews always popping around from next door I would be a total recluse.

Sometimes I wish I could just be no more.

Since I've started this blog I have written more each day. My LM has just asked if I was writing war and peace to someone and I replied that I was writing to myself. This blog has just become a way of waffling on about things, just moaning really, saying stuff thats in my head but I couldn't say openly. Its a way of getting things out of my head. Like for instance the fact that everyone else in this room has gone to a meeting which obviously I wasn't invited to. I'm just left doing these f***ing phones, if I died tomorrow nobody would give a shit.

In the words of the beatles song
NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY WORLD

Well yet another Monday morning. Did my usual weigh in this morning and I've put two pounds on, I just don't get it, just when I think I'm losing the weight it suddenly reappears. Over the weekend I still ate a relatively low amount, a bit more than during the week granted but less time spent sitting down. I was in late for me this morning compared to the past few weeks, 8:15am. I was just so tired and didn't feel the inclination to get up, its been like that for the past couple of days.

I have made the decison not to run this week, just to see if I can get rid of the shin pain as its getting to the stage that I'm worrying about not going. It's going to be hard and it will probably mean putting weight back on but I don't really think I've got much of a choice. I must be the only person who can eat less than a 1000 calories and put weight on.

I posted my entries yesterday for both the Croxteth Park 10k and the Waterloo 15k, I'm having negative thoughts about the whole thing at the moment concerned that when it comes to the date I won't want to do them or can't get out of bed or that I won't be able to do it for injury reasons or just that everything will go wrong. Its only a fortnight to the half marathon and my first race of the series I have planned and all I can think off is that my shin pain will just ruin it all.

I have put an online order in for some new running trainers, one for off road and another for on road. The on road have some stability in so will hopefully sort out the shin pain. Also as I probably won't be getting any birthday presents its my way of just having something new. My sister says she can't afford to buy me a present so that's the way it goes, she said she would buy me one later when her mortgage is paid but I'm not holding my breath. Its the only present I get so I'll just have to get over it. Its a big birthday this year and other people have parties arranged for them and nice presents bought but not me, my birthday will just come and go like any other day, thats the way its always been even going back to when I was a kid. Its just not a day I look forward to as it just brings it home to me that I'm not a popular person. I just don't want to be here today.

With all the garden work and the breaking of wood from fence panels my body is aching this morning, my hamstrings are sore and my arms as well.

I had a worrying thought this morning I'm entering all these races and I hadn't checked out when the HC Cup Final is just in case we get through next weeks semi.  Thankfully though I rang LF and he has told me it will be with Whit Bank Holiday weekend so it will be the Sunday or Monday.  It doesn't clash with any I have already entered so I shall just await this coming weekend.  The team we are playing have lost the last two matches but that won't have any bearing on the game.  The thing that concerns me is that our kids will bottle it like they did in the previous semi last month.  If we do get through I will try and organise entering a race for the other day what ever that will be.

Well over to this weeks To Do List

To Do List w/c 12 March 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue with gardening
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in March.
Enter Waterloo 15k - Done
Enter Croxteth 10k - Done

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want. Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

No run for me today I was worried about doing a long run with the pain from my shins. So I will see how things are tomorrow. Instead it was a day in the back garden. From just after 10 until 4pm I broke up pieces of wood mostly from old broken fence panels and put them in the garden incinerator. Not long after I started to get the fire going my brother in law from next door joined in and we also got help from his 9 year old son who always visits on a Sunday. For six hours the fire continued as more and more dead wood was burned. My little nephew C hovered about only complaining when smoke got in his eyes but it didn't stop him from staying outside with us. At 4pm there was nothing left to burn thankfully so the incinerator has been left to burn itself out and at 4:40 its still going. I have to say if I hadn't had assistance I probably would have given up before everything was done but I now have the satisfaction that the job is done and I can move onto another garden job, well not immediately, maybe next weekend. After all that work my shins are hurting.

It was a 13-0 victory today for the kids. They simply played so well, the ball was past around and chances created. The other team just caught us on a good day. The opposition wasn't the strongest in the league but battled well throughout the game. AF got 5, JG 4, CH, AD, JO scored his first at 11 a side and so did our keeper who game out for the last 20 mins.

After the game I popped into town with little C, its like being with a little old man at times. His level of language skills for a three year old is pretty advanced.

I also got to do the run I planned at Parbold, I'd not done this route since last summer. I parked my car at the bottom of the hill and began the ascent up the 400feet high hill. The road bends as it climbs and its a really tough stage, just as you past the church half way up it gets even steeper. I managed to get to the top without having to stop, in fact I was determined not to. From the top there is a fantastic panarama as as seeing the beach and sea at Southport. After a brief stop to cross the road I took an off road footpath the descends down the side of the hill cutting through the countryside through some woods, over an old railway bridge and eventually meeting the Leeds Liverpool Canal. This part of the route is fast as you are descending down uneven rocky paths so care has to be taken and the breaks put on in parts. Here after crossing the small stone bridge I turned left on the canal towpath towards Apply Bridge about a mile further down the canal. I was feeling quite at ease as I continually dodged the many puddles. After passing a couple of locks I crossed the canal again and started another uphill section I as passed Appley Bridge Station before turning left down a footpath about half an mile further up the road. Again here I was determined not to stop even though it was hard work and my legs were struggling to keep going. The route levels out as you get onto the footpath that crosses a number of fields with one styal to negotiate and some steep step downs made from rocks. Along this path there are some quite beautiful views of the Lancashire Countryside and towards Ashurst Beacon. The terrain again gets somewhat undulating as the trail leads into whats known as Fairy Glen, an idylic hidden ravine off the side of Parbold Hill. I made my way through the wooden area and over the little bridge that crossed the waterfall as I tried to climb the broad staircase I came to a standstill. The problem is that the depth of each of the steps in so it takes two paces on every step and it really sapps your energy. I tried my best to continue in a manner that was a bit faster than walking but slower than running until I made the top. From here its not a great distance from the road but it is a bit of a roller coaster. At the road I had to stop, not only because I needed to cross the road but also because I had to stop. After what was a matter of seconds I continued up the hill at a slow pace and I wouldn't allow myself to stop until I got back to the Wiggin Tree Pub. Here I had a brief conversation with a couple of people who had seen me earlier in the route and couldn't believe I run the route they had walked.

At last through I'd done all the tough bits and it was an enjoyable run back down the hill to my car. I did the route in just over 58 minutes which isn't too bad for my return on to the hilly 5 mile route.

My weight loss seems to have stagnated, I'm not sure why as I am still creating quite a considerable calorie deficit. Its not looking good unfortunately to reach my target within the timescale I'd hoped within the next week or so. I must keep going though as it can't hang on me forever, surely.

I need to make a couple of calls today, one to Survey Division about this household survey interview they want me to do and to the VOA about the council tax thing. Both have knocked on my door but during the day when I'm at work, so they will have to come at a time that suits me as I am not taking time off.

Thurs 09 Mar 07
Geobar 127
Coffee (skimmed milk) x 4 40
Banana 100
Salmon & Stir Fry Veg 400
Muller Yogurt Desert 225
Fig Rolls x 2 140
Tea (skimmed milk) 30
Total Calories 1022
Total Calories Calculated 2000
Balance -978

To Do List w/c 05 March 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue to clear and bag up garden waste.
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in March.
Enter Waterloo 15k
Enter Croxteth 10k
Enter Women's Liverpool 10k - Done
Pay in cheque - Done
Collect repeat prescription - Done
Do prescription
Continue to clear under stairs
Enter Garburn Trail

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want. Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

I haven't had a reply from the email I sent to the hotel yesterday about staying over in June. Being away from home is always something that unnerves me nowadays. The mini break will be nice and the opportunity to do some walking the day after the race great. But there's still something in me that makes me nervous, I not exactly sure why. It could be because my home is my sanctuary, it could be fear of being on my own and the lonliness of being away on your own. It could be a combination of both. I had this last summer when I stayed over at Wasdale campsite but at the end of the day I did have a pleasant time. I just go through this worry phase of should I or shouldn't I or maybe it would be just less stressful if I just came home.

My hands in particular are incredibly dry at the moment I know now whether its due to the change in my diet or most likely down to stress or it could be associated with cleaning. But all the same they are very sore and the skin is always splitting especially around the end of the fingers. I am constantly applying handcream.

I did end up going for a run last night before the kids U11 training. I did the five route in a similiar time to last week 48:03 which wasn't too bad as coming down Preston New Rd and Cambridge road the wind was quite strong against me. My shins weren't too bad either, the problem hasn't gone away but I'm wondering whether its time for new trainers. the kids training went okay and I was pleased with how they played. K couldn't make it last night so I was on my own for the session.

I've just logged all my activity and runs for the past few weeks and it shows I now need to increase my mileage. At the moment I am running around the 20 mile mark so I probably need to build up to doubling that.

My mood today has been a bit brighter so that's a good thing.

Finished work at 3:30pm and after going home first I went out to Vicky Park for my four miler.  The time was 39:01 which is not too bad but it could be better, yes its the fastest time I have done recently but when I did the Good Friday race last easter I did it in 33/34 mins.  I did this run today as opposed to Saturday as I am thinking about going to Parbold tomorrow afternoon to start doing some hill work.  There's a route I do which is 3/4 off road and involves running to a height of 400 feet or 120 metres.  Its a really undulating route.

Still 7st 11lb 3/4 this morning, it was my rest day yesterday so excluding the U6 session I did, it was a low activity day. My shins are still causing me a problem but the thing is I don't want to stop my running. I entered the Garburn Trail last night online so once again I committed to it, therefore I will need to think about possible accommodation. I could go down there on the morning which means I would probably have to leave a good two hours before the start say about 7:30am or I could either book some accomodation or take my tent up there. I do intend to stay over and do the fell walking the following day.

My LM mentioned yesterday we were getting another person to work on the phones but most of my job will be phones which I kind off guessed, its not want I wanted so I'm not happy at all but I just have to accept it. I have expressed my fear I will be forgotten and left just answering the phones, he says I won't but forgive me for being so negative but I will, I will be left and ignored because it suits them for me to do the jobs they don't want to do. Apparently we are going to be moved to the third floor which again I knew it would be me who gets moved it always is. I thought that this new job would mean I would learn stuff, develop knowledge and skills to enable me to get on but as always things always go wrong and I'm left void of hope.

Its 11:20am and I am feeling hungry so I've just got a coffee to try to take my mind off it and head off the hunger pangs. I have been doing a little research on the internet looking for reasonable accommodation. I am looking for something low cost for my trail run in June. I've seen a couple around Buttermere so more investigation is required. I am thinking of staying over on the Sunday and doing Haystacks from Gatesgarth. The idea of a B&B is that after my run I will probably want to soak in the bath and have some comfort rather than roughing it. The price for one of them based on B&B is £40.

Wed 07 Mar 07
Geobar 127
Coffee (skimmed milk) x 4 40
Banana 100
Poached Egg 2 Slices Toast 350
Muller Yogurt Desert  225
Tea (skimmed milk) 30
Total Calories 872
Total Calories Calculated 2000
Balance -1128

As I thought there has been a game arranged for the 28 April so that means no chance of doing the Hawkeshead Trail Race so I am going to make the decision to do the Garburn Trail, its half marathon distance and the terrain is going to be hilly and a bit of a killer. Its not until June though so at least I have time to prepare and I will have to do some hill running which means going out of town as the only hills round here are manmade. There's also the dunes which I can use either the 14 mile route or the full sefton coastal path which is 22 miles from Crosby to Crossens but that will need some thought as I will have to leave my car at Crossens and get bus and train to Crosby.

Today I'm 7st 11lb 3/4, at least my weight it going down and I do feel I have less fat around my middle which is a good thing. I am feeling better about my body and clothes seem to hang better. I've still half way to go though to my target. Instead of a run yesterday evening I opted to go the gym I got home about 3:40pm to collect my stuff when my sister arrived, she expected me to look after her kids when she went to work as her husband was going to be late. However, she had given me no warning about this whatsoever and did take the huff when I said I was planning to go the gym, why is it I should be the one to feel guilty. There has been many a time when I have forgone doing things to look after her kids, don't get me wrong I like spending time with J & C but its very annoying when I finish work early only to find I'm not needed that day when I could have worked later or arranged something. At the end of the day it is me that is doing her a favour.

Anyway off I went to the gym as she had managed to get her older son P to come and sit with the boys. I started off in the gym and it was a bit annoying that there were already people on the machine I wanted. So instead I did 10 minutes on the epil thingy machine and in the meantime two other people snook on. I decided to stand next to the woman who'd be on the longest in the hope it would put a bit of pressure of her to finish. After about 5 mins waiting she finally got off and when I quickly jumped I found that she had been on for 48 mins when I sign on the machine says no more than 30 mins as the treadclimber is a popular machine, so that was a bit annoying. So I did the 20 min programme at the highest speed which according to the display burned off 317 calories. Then it was down to the pool for a planned thirty lengths using both crawl and breastroke.

Popped to Tesco after getting back with both C & J. Now C is only three and when J who is eleven wants to talk to me C always interupts wanting to speak to me, he finds it very difficult for somebody else to have my attention and this makes J very frustrated even though he understands that its just down to C's age. Anyway C was a bit of a pain in the shop, for no particular reason but J didn't help making things worse by then winding him up even more. Kids eh !! but I love both of them loads.

Just been on that Diversity Theatre Workshop event at work, it was quite good really they had actors doing well !! the acting. The played out a number of scenarios around issues in the workplace to do with such like disability, sexuality etc and how people can behave and its effects both practical and emotional. At one stage I did feel my mood starting to drop and feeling some things too close to home. It brought back feelings for me of when I had that issue that okay is a few years back but still effects me daily. I just reminded me of a sense of feeling so unpopular that firstlty, somebody could treat me badly, secondly that no one wanted to deal with it and thirdly, the sense of blame and guilt that was so strong in that I felt I was being held responsible for causing the rest of the so called team stress. The incident I am refering to is when my line manager directly said to me that I had divided the team as some people supported me whilst others him. So not only did I have to carry the burden of being the victim and its effects but also because of my bad experience it was my fault that the rest of the people were affected. Since then the sense of guilt and blame has endured, okay so I have to admit its been with me most of my life for one reason or another but now it plays a more prominent role in all aspects of my life. More than ever I feel people will blame me for all sorts of things from things going wrong or even blamed for how people are feeling. Also I always start from the standpoint of I'm to blame, its my fault before the mental battle to evaluate what happened and whether I am right or wrong, or the blame is justified or not. Similiarly, feeling guilty about things, all sorts of things, often when no guilt is justified.

Its the kids U6s training tonight and I must remember to tell them I have cancelled the session next week because its the 14 March. I also replied to an email from M to tell him were we will be moving to for outdoor training. He also mentioned something about sweeping out the changing rooms after our home fixtures I responded to say we hardly ever used the changing rooms as all the kids come kitted out. So frankly, he can get stuffed we will not be sweeping out rooms we haven't used just because either the seniors of Sunday teams couldn't be bothered.

Anyway so next week is the day, its going to be difficult and I wonder whether to take the day off. I just feel no body cares or is interested that its a big one and I don't really expect any fuss to be made or for them to even do anything or even remember. I know I could say something but that would just sound like I was dropping hints. I 've never been a great fan of this day even as a child, I just ended up feeling either embarrassed, unloved, unpopular or just disappointed and upset. Reasons ? well there are probably a few but throughout my life I've never really felt important enough or regarded enough within both my so called family or outer social circles for people to want to show I may be special or worthy in some way. Often in the past I have felt people have sent my a card or given me a gift just out of a sense of duty rather than any sense of love or friendship or respect. So as you can imagine I can't wait.

Just had my massage so feeling a bit oily now (lavender oil) and its not long to my finish today at 4pm giving me just enough time to get home, change and out to the U6s. The footy is on tonight Man Utd are playing Lille and after the last game two weeks ago it could be interesting, United are 1-0 up after that quick freekick in the first game so have a valuable away goal. If I have time I will also clear a bit more of under the stairs, there's not much left under there now, so its a job I can get shut of.

Start of week 3 of this dam diet, I'd managed to get down to 7st 11lb 3/4 and then I weighed myself yesterday and I'd gone back up to 7st 13lb 1/4 and today its 7st 13lb. I don't really understand why this is, yes over the weekend I did have a higher calorie intake but I also had a higher calorie burn rate, so on both days I still created a deficit. I will have to remain resolute and not get down hearted and give up. I just feel sometimes that for me to lose weight I have to consume ridiculously low amounts of food and that's hard. Experts say that you shouldn't have less than 1000 calories a day but for me that would not make any difference in terms of I wouldn't lose the weight. After a couple of days creeping over the thousand mark I need to get back to being under.

My hamstrings are a bit sore this morning but that's only to be expected with all the gardening I did on Saturday and the long run on Sunday. I am planning the seven miler this evening all being well.

I watched a programme yesterday evening on Wainwright and his pictorial guides. He was an odd character really, somewhat a social recluse, so to me something had obviously happened in his life to make him like that. Sometimes people can be so nasty to you its just easier and a kind of self preservation to keep your distance. He had a definite lack of social skills when it came to social interaction. My opinion is that he probably suffered from depression and his work obsessive as it was gave him a focus and a direction.

Doing these password changes are doing my head in, these people who ring in must be so thick, how do they manage to get these jobs. I am swiftly running out of patience with these people. I hope this job isn't going to be long term as I hate it already. As you may guess I am feeling somewhat irritable this morning.

I've just read the weekend kids footy results and the team that's ahead of us currently in second place lost to their local rivals so that's good news for us. It's really close to see who will end up as runners up, we need to make sure we win all our remaining games and other teams beat each other to give us a good chance. I see from the tables the league have been deducted 3 points, they say we played an inelligible player but we certainly did not, all we did was accidentliy left a blank line, the ref didn't pick it up nor did the opposition. I will be really disappointed if this clerical error results in us losing runners up spot. We could really do with the two teams closest in the table to us dropping points.

To Do List w/c 05 March 2007
Standard Weekly
Tasks Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs Clothes
Wash Shopping

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue to clear and bag up garden waste.
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in March.
Continue to clear under stairs
Collect repeat prescription
Process prescription.
Enter Waterloo 15k
Pay in cheque - Done

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want.
Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

Sun 04 Mar 07 
Porridge 127
Tea (skimmed milk) x 4 40
Fig Rolls x 2 140
Prawns & Green Beans in Peanut Sauce 600
Muller Yogurt Desert 225
Tea (skimmed milk) 30
Total Calories 1162
Total Calories Calculated 2300
Balance -1138

Looking out the window this morning its very grey and the weather forcast says rain, rain and more rain. I need to put in the miles though if I'm to do this half marathon, so regardless of the weather I need to venture out. I've just had porridge for breakfast so will have to wait a while before going. I'm going to get wet, I'm sure.

My hamstrings are a bit sore after yesterdays garden work and I'm hoping my shins hold up. Normally I would be doing my usual off road run but I think this morning I will stick to the roads.

Well I did it, I just run over 13 1/2 miles, my time was 2 hours 23 mins which is a bit deceiving due to the weather. I started off quite comfortably and due to this I decided to add a bit of distance by going via town and the Coastal Rd. The weather was holding although the wind was starting to pick up. Three to four miles into the run when I was going down the coast road the rain started, it wasn't particularly heavy it was the wind that went with it. I was battered from side to side and against me as I battled trying to keep up a reasonable pace. I managed to keep going although that wind would have held me back somewhat. I got to the end of the coastal road where the bypass starts and this was by turn back towards home point. Although battered by the wind and rain, cold as I was I kept going managing to cross Liverpool Ave at the lights without having to stop.

I was determined not to stop as when that happens its hard not to stop again. I thought I will get to Segars Lane and then to Halsall Rd. It was here I had my first stop, it was only about five seconds as the lights were against me but I was quite thankful to be honest as I was tiring even though the wind had helped since I turned. I set myself targets to get to, firstly the sculpture on the roundabout, the wind had turned again and I was really struggling but determined to carry on.

My pace had slowed to a crawl as I battled past the hospital and on to Meols Park roundabout. Here you have little choice but to stop due to the traffic. Thankfully, the wind was behind me as I changed direction to go down the side of the Park as I ran past I watched firstly the group of people dressed as medieval knights or soldiers doing their sword fighting with wood swords and shields, they're there every Sunday, I have no idea who they are or what they are doing. Secondly, there was a mini soccer match going on, it looked like Under 8s. Both though helped me get to the end of the park by taking my mind off how exhausted I felt. There was still a short distance to go and half of it was against the wind and at one stage I felt I was running on the spot as the wind was so strong. As I crossed one of the final roads I spotted a familiar silver van coming my way, it was my brother in law and I immediately spotted my little nephew in the passenger seat. This gave me my final spur to complete the last 400 or so metres to get home. Phew thank goodness for that I thought as I got back to my house.

If I were to have run a half marathon, based on the pace I ran this morning then I would have been looking at a time of 2 hours 18 mins. Okay so I have to admit I would have been very disappointed with that time but I must take into account that you generally run faster when its an organised event without even realising. Also when I do the event I would be giving myself a good few days rest before the run, hopefully the conditions will be better than gale force winds and the distance measurement would be more accurate.

Used my new wok for the first time yesterday.  I saw a recipe in my running magazine and thought I'd have a go, it was Stir Fry Prawns in Peanut Sauce and it was dead easy to make.  It was prawns and green beans browned, I also added some sweet corn which wasn't originally in the recipe.  Then you add a mixture of coconut milk and crunchy peanut butter and a bit of curry powder and cook through.  I had it with some brown rice and it was okay.  I'm using the rest of the prawns tonight and I'm going to put a bit more curry powder in than I did yesterday as I don't like spicy food so only put in half a teaspoon.  I'm also going to put in some mushrooms.

Today has been a bit of a wash out literally for doing jobs so they will have to wait.  I have now entered the April Fool Race and also have a form for the Waterloo 15k.

To Do List w/c 26 February 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash - at weekend
Shopping - at weekend

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue to clear and bag up garden waste - did some more
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer on 1st March.
Continue to clear under stairs
Enter April SWAC 4m race
Post team & ref sheets - Done.
Send letter re council tax - superseded by their letter to survey
Continue to clean out and tidy spare bed room and hoover. - Done
Restain top of bathroom sink cupboard - Done
Continue to fill holes left by radiator. - Done
Make decision on half marathon and if yes enter on line - Done
Send off conservatory invoice to insurers - Done
Do repeat prescription - Done

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want.
Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

Sat 03 Mar 07
Porridge 130
Tea (skimmed milk) x 4 40
Fig Rolls x 4 280
Prawn & Green Bean in Peanut Sauce 600
Chocolate Digestive 70
Raisin Flapjack 160
Total Calories 1280
Total Calories Calculated 2000
Balance -720

I decided to do my 4 mile run yesterday instead of today. I registered a time of 39:03 I was a bit disappointed though as I was sure that I was running faster, however, it was still faster than my previous attempts so maybe it just a case of chipping away at it. My gradual weight loss should also help as I am now 7st 11b 3/4, I can now also see and feel the difference. My running tights and shorts are definitely feeling looser and my legs are looking slimmer. My torso is losing some fat coverage and generally I am feeling better in my clothes. Later I returned to the Park with my bike and gps to measure the route and I have found that the distance is pretty much 4 miles.

Not long after returning from the bike exercise I popped to Tesco. As well as food shopping I bought a wok to have a go at some stir frys along with some appropriate ingredients. It was a bit of an impulse by but it was only £2.44.

Its a sunny day today, I was originally considering doing the long 14 miles this morning but it meant having to get up quite early and getting a train out there to start around nine. However, that didn't happen, I was up at eight which is still early but I want to watch Man United play Liverpool on the TV. The fixture both home and away is the big one of the season, historically the clubs have always been major rivals so its probably bigger than both the Manchester and Merseyside derbys.

Instead this morning I am planning to do a bit of clearing work in the garden and general tidying. I have now managed to fill another five bags full of all the shrub cuttings and dead ivy and I've still nowhere near finished clearing the garden and its only small.

A few days back I got a call from a well known local glass company, you know the type, double glazing, conservatories etc. Well it turns out they now to soffits, so I agreed to let them give me a quote. So yesterday evening someone came round, they were about an hour late so it wasn't a good start and it went downhill from there. The guy did not have an adequate standard of English to do the job he was doing and on a number of occasions I had to prompt him on a word, for example, he didn't even know what PPP was and he kept saying about the sun when what he was wanting to say is that the PVC doesn't discolour. Anyway he bumbled through his spiel going through a brochure about the company and windows as if I were interested. I told him I just wanted a quote for the soffits. At this satge he went silent and kept flicking through his brochure looking extremely confused. After some time of this silence, he reached into his bag and came out with a tape measure. At this point still not saying a word to me as I stood there, he got up and went out the front door. This is hilarious I thought as I just shook my head. A few minutes later he asked me to come outside where I stood shivering with the cold, I thought this guy hasn't a clue what he is doing. Then it got even better, he'd measured the front of the house and I had to tell him he needed to measure the side. He went down to the end of the house and made the most inaccurate measuring I've ever seen, not only that he measured around the gas heating silver box, you know the one they stick on the outside wall. Instead of putting his tape above or below he actually moved the tape around the outside, it was amazing and I could have quite believed that this was all a wind up.

He then without saying a word went back into the house and I pressumed I had to follow. There was then more silence as he flicked through his brochure again and again and tapped on his calculator and tapped and tapped. Next he wanted to take me through all the payment options even though I'd said to him on a number of occasions I just wanted the quote. Eventually he put number down on paper and told me £5k after yet more tapping on his calculator, thank you very much I said while privately I was thinking yeah no chance mate. I was gobsmacked when he said "so i'll book you in tomorrow. NO I replied I have told you a number of times I am not making any decisions until I have all the quotes I am seeking. He then tried to do the usual trick of phoning someone even though I said not to as I'm not stupid the guy he speaks to will say he can quote a lower figure, like their doing me some massive favour - like I've not seen that one before. He even told the guy on the phone I had said I wanted their finance. At that stage I said thank you very much for your quote I would like to to leave now. But No he wanted me to speak to the guy on the phone. I reitterated I was not going to be bullyed or pressured in making a decision and said I wanted the guy to leave. Thankfully he then left. So the award for the worst salesman goes to that guy who came last night, not only was he a total baffoon, he was dishonest and couldn't even speak English.

Wasn't a happy bunny this afternoon, sat down to watch the footy only to find I had no TV and after checking no internet. I was straight on the phone and so annoyed. I'd been waiting for this all week and had planned my Saturday around it. Not only that I found the people on the phone totally useless and it was only on the third time I phoned I got someone he said there was maintainance and the match had an exciting finish with United grabbing a late winner. So I've emailed a complaint to them.

I'm planning a long run tomorrow but the forcast is for more rain.

Well the good news is that I'm 7st 12lb 3/4 this morning, however, the bad news is I have lost my voice. I have a throat infection and the start of a cold. I don't think it helped going for a run last night, I know I shouldn't have but I wanted to. It was a good run and I felt quite comfortable throughout. The run took just over 48 mins and there were no stops for road crossings etc at all, I did the just over five mile run up to the Plough and back. I shouldn't even really contemplate a run this evening but I'm so conscious about the weight loss as well as the looming half marathon. Today though I feel tons better than I did yesterday when during worktime I just felt tired and washed out.

It was the kids U11 training last night, they are a great bunch so with me losing my voice its okay as I never have to shout. JG and AF were ill so were not there, I don't know where CS was but bar that everybody was there. The day before one parent had spoken to me saying he wasn't happy that his lad wasn't getting enough time on the pitch but its been difficult he has never been one of the strongest players in the squad but unfortunately has missed the first part of the season through having an eye operation. This has meant as the team moved up to 11 a side, through no fault of his own he has fallen behind. I explained to the parent because of the situation and having a run of really difficult games it had been hard to get him on enough. The boy is a very quite lad and doesn't find it easy to be 'one of the lads' sort of thing but he is a really nice kid. However, when I have put him on his nerves have affected him so much that I can physically see his legs shake and him losing balance and falling over. Its therefore doubly difficult to put him on anywhere that will have a major impact on the other players on the otherhand though I am conscious he needs time on the pitch. Part of the problem is that when at training he tries to play wide, which he is not suited to whatsover, he is tall and gangly. I had a word with him last night to say that probably are most valuable defender was a player who didn't have some of the dazzling skills which his teamates have but that CN does what he does extremely well, he plays to his strengths and abilities whilst working on what he needs to improve. TW is a kid who is generally quite fast, can kick the ball well and strong tackler. I suggested to him that at training he places himself in a position where he can show what he is good at rather than try and be something he's not. The kid took this on board and probably had the best training session he's had in ages and as I had said to him he can use that as a base to build up his confidence and performance and as a coach I feel there's nothing more rewarding than seeing a kid develop and improve so good luck to him.

I'm a bit worried this morning about these phones, with no voice its going to be difficult but I don't want people to think I am avoiding taking the calls and not pulling my weight. I don't want others to have to do extra because of me, I just feel so guilty about not picking up these calls. There's also talk of having to move room again which I find very unsettling. Everytime it seems I have managed to settle in the room I am in they keep moving me. Nowadays its something I find difficult to cope with, I'm not really sure why, maybe it has something to do with stability. When things are stable my mood has no threats and I can cope, change now causes me stress and anxiety as I battle to maintain the balance. When things are smooth I can cope but unfortunately life's not like that.

With it being Friday I think its time for a review of the To Do List for this week. Unfortunately the outdoor jobs are still in abeyance with the continuing wet weather and this weekend has forcast more rain. However, I have managed to tackle a few items this week, the top of the sink unit is done, I have put in a repeat prescription so I just need to collect it and take it to a pharmacy probably on Monday. I have also posted the conservatory invoice to the insurers and done most of my weekly tasks. I have to say these lists have made quite a difference, they act as I sort of personal commitment to do stuff instead of the just ignore it, I do it some other time policy which is so easy to do particularly when my depression effects me. Jobs have been down that have been waiting for months and yes even years. Just the fact the house is tidy and cleaner makes I massive difference to my mood, I just fell more at ease when people enter. I am doing the washing up regularly rather than waiting until I have no pots etc left, it just feels so much better. Okay so its not rocket science and I've always know this but there have been times when I just couldn't motivate myself to even peel a vegetable I even went over 6 months eating no veg because of this and I' not saying everything is okay now but at least the fact that jobs are being done causes me less stress worrying about getting them done. All bills are on direct debits now so that takes away the numerous cases of getting debt letters and threats of court action so its less to concern myself with.

I'm trying to make my mind up at the moment about what running to do over the weekend. I really need to do one of around 13 miles sometime whether that be Sat or Sun. I do have the option of going up to Hall Road and running down the coastal path back to the Fishermans Rest in Birkdale, shins providing. The distance is 14 miles over some really hard going terrain, it also depends on when I can get out of bed as I don't want it to take up all my day. I also need to do the 4 miler in Vicky Park at some stage, there is the option of doing that this evening after work as it doesn't go dark now until after half five and then maybe I can pop to Tesco to do a bit of shopping as Saturday is mad there.

I've just read the work local line brief and its advertising a post that I immediately thought - I could do that no problem, its working on the website but once again its blocked for me. Its advertised for permanent B1s and I'm only a lowly A2, the fact I have set up my own website and already have some of the skills is irrelevant. We talk of a light at the end of the tunnel but for me its not a case of the light being in the distance, it just doesn't exist at tall. People around me moan about their pay but have they once given a thought to the fact that I earn a lot less than them and yet they still winge. At the end of the day its my fault for reading the line brief the notion ignorance is bliss comes to mind. In a week or so I will be 40 and what have I got to show for it - a life time of failure. Why do I bother? I am strongly considering going early as I feel so guilty about not being able to answer the phones I am sure the others will be thinking she's doing nothing and resent it as the phones have not stopped this morning. At least if I'm not here then I won't feel so uncomfortable. you may think why don't I just resign and get another job but I only wish it was as easy as that. When it comes to things like that I have no confidence whatsoever, I'm just not brave enough . I just don't believe things will get any better and I couldn't bear to think my home would be jeopardised, its that security that gets me through.

To Do List w/c 26 February 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash - at weekend
Shopping - at weekend

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue to clear and bag up garden waste.
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer on 1st March.
Continue to clear under stairs
Enter April SWAC 4m race
Post team & ref sheets - Done.
Send letter re council tax - superseded by their letter to survey
Continue to clean out and tidy spare bed room and hoover. - Done
Restain top of bathroom sink cupboard - Done
Continue to fill holes left by radiator. - Done
Make decision on half marathon and if yes enter on line - Done
Send off conservatory invoice to insurers - Done
Do repeat prescription - Done

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want.
Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

Thurs 01 Mar 07
Geobar 127
Coffee (skimmed milk) x 4 40
Banana 100
Poached Egg & Toast x 2 slices 350
Rice Pudding 200
Tea (skimmed milk) 30
Raisin Flapjack 160
Total Calories 1007
Total Calories Calculated 2000
Balance -925

Well here I am, another day, one more day in this dam diet. I am 8st exactly this morning, I just wish things would hurry up so I can get back to eating more. It was the Under 6 training last night to be honest I just really would have rather stayed at home and then the kids were a bit of a pain this week. After having some tea I pottered around a bit, cleaned and hoovered the spare room, chucked a couple of things from under the stairs out with the rubbish and shreaded all the old paperwork that was hanging about. I also made the decision and entered the Liverpool half marathon, so I've committed myself now. I'm also feeling like I may be coming down with a cold as I have a sort of irritating cough.

Its the start of March today, its a month that reminds me of daffodils and the start of spring, lighter nights and all that. But last night I was cold in bed and both yesterday and today the weather is rather stormy. Hopefully, we shall see more spring like conditions. Anyway, here is a poem I like, its a very well known one but I like it and it gives me a nice feeling.

I wandered lonely as a Cloud
That floats on high o'er Vales and Hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:-
A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company:
I gazed-and gazed-but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude,
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the Daffodils

William Wordsworth 1807

I am definitely coming down with a cold, my eyes are heavy and I am getting that blocked feeling and sinus pressure.  After all the fruit and veg I have eaten over the past week you'd have thought I'd avoid picking up any virus or colds.

I was trying to look for a race or two that comes before the Liverpool Half Marathon on the 25/3/07 but I've left it a bit late and most races nearby are booked up.  With the half marathon looming I've only a couple of weeks to prepare, so I'm going to have to at least run the distance again once before the day.  I am concerned about my shin pain but I will just have to see if they hold out. I would like to do the race in 2 hours but my expectations maybe a bit high. Some years ago I did a half marathon in about 1:50 but that was ages back. I know I can run the 14 mile stretch of the dune coastal path in 2:30 and that is really hard and tough going terrain so realistically I should be expecting to do it in under 2 hours 15mins if not quicker. At the end of the day I just want some success, I'm not talking about winning or anything but just registering some times I can be proud of, this is where all this weight loss attempt comes in. All the runners who do well are a lot slimmer than me and if I could just get nearer to seven stone I would feel much better prepared. With my height it's not an unreasonable weight for me to be. If I am doing well at my running it has a knock on effect of maintaining a better mood and my depression is kept at bay.

Weds 28 Feb 07
Geobar 127
Coffee (skimmed milk) x 4 40
Mandarins x 2 60
Salmon, sweetcorn, fine green beans 350
Rice Pudding 200
Tea (skimmed milk) 30
Total Calories 807
Total Calories Calculated 1800
Balance  -993