Reflections

I was supposed to be running the Croxteth 10k today but had no enthusiasm so didn't bother going. One reason being my shins, another the fact I would be so slow and didn't want the disappointment.

So just popped to Tesco and pottered around the house all day. I have packed my rucksack for a trip to the Lakes tomorrow, I've printed out all the walk details and packed the map etc, so I am hoping that in the morning I will be motivated enough to go through with it.

The kids won today, it wasn't the best performance of the season but they did enough by winning 2-3. We were 3-0 up and I put on TW, unfortunately as soon as that happened things started to collapse so I had to take him off again. Anyway we made runners up in the U11 league.

It was back home then to watch Man United beat Everton 2-4 from 2-0 down and with Chelsea only drawing at home to Bolton, United are five points ahead with only a few games left.

Didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Still off work today, though I had no intention of going in anyway ,didn’t really do anything much. Got up around 10:30am and pottered I’ve not a great deal of motivation to do anything but I suppose in the circumstances of my lower legs/ankles hurting so much its not a bad thing totally. In the afternoon I did pop to town and get a hydration rucksack, it’s a 15 litre one as it needs to be able to fit in a map, compass, gps, waterproof etc. I wanted it so I would be able to do runs that take me more off the beaten track including doing a trial run of the Garburn Trail at the start of June so I at least know what I have let myself in for. I am hoping to go on Monday but I have had a number of intentions to go the Lakes but not got there as yet so we will have to wait and see.

I did seem to be a bit more at ease about doing the u6s this evening which is an improvement from having no desire whatsoever and just begrudgingly going through the motions.

I did get up this morning and struggle to walk, the pain is coming from my shins and ankles and this morning the veins in my ankles and feet where very prominent, I’m not sure of what the cause is whether its down to the blood flow. Eventually, I got more movement with my Achilles tendons seemed to be loosening and allowing me to place my heel down without feeling they were going to snap. I’m not sure whether or not I will be able to do the Croxteth Park 10k on Sunday.

I swept the lounge floor today in excess of five time, it got a bit obsessive really and I’m not really sure why I kept doing it. I also dusted and hovered upstairs. My nephew C kept coming around so the little soul did keep my mood up and prevented any thinking about work which did help but I wasn’t fortunate enough not to let it enter my thinking for the entire day. I sent an email to CV which in hindsight I probably wouldn’t have cos I just feel that she is probably thinking I’m being a bit of a drama queen and just going into a sulk and thinking I’m just doing this to get my own way. But I’ve already had that conversation with myself and it certainly isn’t the case. It’s just the thought of firstly, feeling that I just cause trouble wherever I go, I am just a problem for people and they just want rid of me. I am 40 now and just going nowhere, in my career if you can call it that is just a total failure. When people say are you still working there I feel totally ashamed and I dare not tell them I am still a lowly grade. Secondly, having to move to somewhere the work is totally boring and a total dead end causes me so much anxiety. If I could get another job with similar pay I would go for it but I just have no skills that I could utilise. Alternatively if I could finance it in some way I would leave and retrain. Anyway enough moaning it just brings me down again.

I didn’t go into work today I just can’t face it, so when I awoke this morning and felt sick and then my legs where hurting so much, it was the perfect excuse for me to do it without feeling so guilty. I have no intention either of going in tomorrow. I tried to ring in but there was no answer so I emailed AG, I was thankful really as the last thing I really wanted to do is speak to anyone from work. I did get an email reply so at least I know he’s got the message. Its been quite a while since I have felt so strongly about not wanting to go to work. Frankly, I just can’t take much more. I was worried that CV would try to ring but thankfully she didn’t. I’m not just pulling a sicky I just can’t face it and if I had the courage I would go the doctors and get signed off. To be honest it would be great to get signed off for at least a month if not more.

My whole life has been wasted at this place, I have tried and tried but it never works out and always ends up with me being unwanted and disliked, blamed for everything and anything. I now just feel so many regrets and wishing I could change things, okay you can’t change the past but feel its too late to change the future. By telling me, there was no post for me, not enough work to keep me, IM having to reduce by one and that was me, in essence they have taken away the one thing I clung onto, hope. Hope that I would get on, hope that I would develop and learn skills that could get me to B1, hope that things would get better and I would at least have a chance to be something other than a lowly worker with no control over anything. Just someone who has to follow orders, CV said I expect to much to soon, is waiting 20 years really too soon!

Watched Man United on the telly last night they won 3-2 against AC Milan in the champions league semi, even though they won the two away goals they conceded could be their downfall in the away leg next week at the San Siro.

Both goals they let in were sloppy but then with all those defensive
injuries they have it was never going to be easy. The third goal came in the last few moments of the game so at least they have a lead to defend.

Earlier I went to Hesketh Park to do some speedwork. I did a warm up lap of the perimeter walk in 7:07, had a short recovery and then another lap which I tried to do faster, I clocked 6:28, two seconds faster than when I did it last week but still I was a bit disappointed as I wanted at least three seconds quicker. The weather was good for this session, there wasn't much of a wind although the amount of trees create a bit of a wind block anyway and the temperature was neither too warm nor too cold and although rain was threatening it kept dry for me.

The route follows the perimeter of the park, I start at the old bandstand where the path immediately has a very short down bit and then passes the dge of the kids playground before another short hill as you skirt the edge of the lake. I pass the myriads of brightly coloured spring flowers that border the path here before passing the old aviary that nowadays doesn't appear to house many birds. The path passes the top end of the lake before vearing around towards the
outside of the Rose Garden. With it being April the bluebells are
plentyful and provided a carpet of colour on the verges and between the trees very pleasing to the eye. With two left forks in the path further on I pass the sensory garden before the final slight ascent and as I reach the bend in the path just beyond the wooden sculpture of a squirrel the bandstand can be seen and the end of the lap is nearly reached.

From there I made my way to the observatory hill to do some shuttles up and down the hill. On the way I met TB from work, I had passed her on my previous lap of the park but whilst I thought it was her I wasn't sure. Anyway she pointed out that a small oriental looking man was behaving suspiciously and had just ducked down a side path. After a brief convsersation and an acknowledge to be aware I continued stopping to look down the side path, he was stood near the end and when he saw I was looking at him he ducked further into the bushes. I was at this stage very suspicious and I then had a chat with a face I recognised coming the other way, she told me that she had been attacked by a man in the park last
boxing day but the police had caught the man. I enquired what had happened and the man had grabbed her and threatened to hurt her but thankfully an older couple appeared and he fled.

By now this man had reappeared coming back down the main path further back and he walked into the sensory garden on the opposite side that borders the main path, we could see him loitering in the area that has raised beds. I parted company with the woman after chatting about kids football but I did exercise caution and kept an eye on the situation. As I started on my ascent up the short hill, round the observatory and jogging back down, it was then I saw what was happening, it was now obvious to me that this guy was drug dealing as another bloke appeared went into the sensory garden had
a brief meeting with the oriental guy and was then off. I then just got on with my reps of 12 times up and down the hill, I'm not sure whether it was because I had a longer recovery time but it felt easier running up that hill, hopefully though it will have been because I am getting fitter. From there I went to the Rose Garden and did 4 long shuttles and 10 shorter shuttles at a faster almost sprint pace, then it was back to the observatory where I did 12 reps of running up the old stone steps and jogging back down them and finishing with 20 star jumps at the top. I finished the session with an 850 meter run around the lake, the path here although newly resurfaced snakes around the lake a bit so there are a few tight turns to negotiate and that slow the pace a bit. By this time the
new fountain had been turned off and the park was pretty quiet. The path also includes a small hill to climb at one end but the rest is flat although wine-dy. I clocked 3:40 which I thought wasn't too bad, this morning I worked it out and it equates to running at 6:54 pace.

Before I went back to the car I decided to go via the sensory garden to see what herbs they had growing. I was a bit cheeky and took myself a small bunch of samples but there was plenty there so it won't cause any problems. I ended up with a sprig of mint, lemon balm and chives and when I got home popped them in some water. I am hoping they develop some roots and so I can replant them and see if I can get them to grow, only time will tell.

After a quick shower and putting some tea on I settled down then to watch the footy. When I later went to bed I decided to put some sort of strapping on to see if it helped. On one leg I put a strapping on my shin whilst the other I used an ankle support, hopefully over a few nights it will make a difference.

This morning has been quite busy for phone calls to change passwords but they seemed to have died off a bit now. I seem to be in a better mood today for some reason but I'm not complaining I've made a few jokes even. My muscle tension though is still causing me pain, the back of my shoulders hurt. I'm thinking of anyway possible to alleviate the tension, everything from taking ibuprofen to taking my shoes and socks off under the desk, to taking these herbal stress relieve tablets. Maybe getting back to doing the yoga sessions is an idea.

AG has again mentioned me putting something on the LTR and he wants it done today so I have sent something. He's all busy sorting out this new room to move to so obviously he want me out by then. All this just stresses me out, its just conflict I hate, he is continually pressurising me and I did react by saying that he justs wants rid. He now says 'we have to manage this process', there's no we or process about it. I and I alone just have to find somewhere else to work. If there was a we he'd have given me more time and done some groundwork firstly into what was available. I've just
checked out what this Dove post is with someone I know and its not good news, the work is mind-numbingly boring and the person recommended I steered clear. The thought of having to go back to a monotonous job is worrying the hell out of me, I knew when I saw the vacancy there would be a downside as the more interesting jobs get snapped up quickly. The other posts on the list our the job I spent so long trying to get out of and to have to go back just signifies failure and three steps back.

I left work at 3pm so upset, my eyes were filled with water and red, it must have been obvious to others but I just wanted to get out of there. At home and still upset I foolishly tried a run like nothing was wrong and I should have probably stopped at come home at the first corner but I tryed to battle on. My calf muscles were already aching and contracting like I was getting cramp. I only got to Hesketh Park, just inside the park and just gave up and burst into tears, fortunately there was nobody about to see. I just can't face work tomorrow the stress was just to much, in fact I just wished I didn't have to go there again. The fact that this wish had no chance of ever coming true upset me anymore. Why oh why won't something go right when it comes to my job. Everybody is probably sick to death of me, probably thinking I am just a trouble maker. And now I can't even run, the only thing that gives me a goal in life at the moment.

More pressure to move again today just to make me feel more unwanted and unwelcome. I am definitely going to make an excuse on Friday to say I am unable to stay until five. At the end of the day why should I make an effort to be flexible if he just wants rid of me, I know it could be me here adding more to it and seeing things that aren't there, so I'm not saying its all him but when you're told that one person has to go and that's me, its hard not to take it personally. I've sent a mail to find more out about this dove post and I am trying to catch up with GV to see if there's any possibility of a vacancy in the web team but knowing my luck it has to be an emphatic NO as it always is. I try not to be fatalistic and negative but its hard when things never go the way I want, ocassionally it would be nice for something to go right.

I did the five mile plough run last night, it was raining heavyish all the way around, although the temperature wasn't too bad. I clocked at time of 47:54, I had hoped for a little faster, my shins held up and today whilst I can still feel a bit of pressure they're not as bad as they have been. I followed the run quite quickly with a 5k on bike, I clocked 15:15 again I wanted to be under 15 minutes, I did have to come to an abrupt stop when a car decided to turn right from the centre of the road down High Park Lane without looking I wouldn't have minded but I was wearing a red waterproof and he only spotted me when I shouted idiot at him.

Tonight the footy is on Man United are playing in the champions league semi against AC Milan so I want to be settled by around half seven as the kick is at 7:45. I am considering a speedwork session in Hesketh Park, hopefully it will have stopped raining by then. I keep meaning to do some sort of session before work but each morning the lure of my bed is too strong. My calf muscles are still incredibly hard when I hold my leg out and just let my calves dangle they don't go all floppy like they should there's still a lot of definition in both, maybe that's whats causing my all the problems in my shins, ankles and feet, even now when I try to point my toes upwards I can feel the tightness of my achiles tendon on both legs. I don't know whether the trouble is down to either one an overuse injury or two caused by muscle tension or a combination of both in terms of muscle tension caused by stress impacting on my legs and causing injuries. One thing is for certain though I need to find someway of sorting the problem.

I've just caught up with GV about the post in the web team and explained I am surplus to requirement and looking for a post that would interest me. Her reponse was the post was temporary which I expected and that she has to speak to JH to see if funding was available to continue the post, if yes she would let me know how they intend filling it. Now I am not expecting anything to go in my favour here as things never do but at least I have tried.

Another Monday, more stress, more disillusion. I just feel so unwanted, so uncomfortable.

Just looked at the weekend results and our rivals for second place won at the weekend so its all down to the last game on Saturday. I kind of expected them to win, all we have to do is either draw or win, we are the better team I've no doubt about that.

CV just asked to see me and so I went up, I knew what is was about and I was right. What ever she says I still believe I'm just not wanted here. She thinks I should go back to one of those big teams as all the B1 managers hail from those teams. If I had any faith in that I would go but I've been there before and it wasn't the experience I had. She said something to the effect of the job here wasn't for me or something along those lines I didn't really give a response, if I'm really honest there isn't a job in this building that would interest me but I need to earn a living so I have to work, its as simple as that.

My shin pain has died down a bit today and the swelling on the inside of my left ankle particularly. My ankle looked like it had been sprained but I haven't turned it or anything that I can remember. My calf muscles are very tense at the moment I am trying to relax them but they are so hard. I just wish I could diminish all these effects of stress and depression to be able to fell my body loose instead of permanently tense. Then when I run I wouldn't feel such resistance against any form of speed and would feel relaxed running.

I didn't get much done on the to do list over the weekend, just struggling with the motivation at the moment. I did mop the floors, hoover and dust the bedroom and do a clothes wash. I didn't post the triathlon form which is still in the envelope just waiting for a stamp, I don't know why to be honest and can only think its a bit of nervousness about doing it. I also need to book goape but I first need to make sure my sister is not going to come up with a spanner in the works. Didn't hardly do anything in the garden and didn't make any effort to take that rubbish to the tip. To top it all I over ate so even the weight loss has no doubt suffered.

To Do List w/c 23 April 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional Tasks
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue with gardening
Clear rubbish at back of garden
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in April.
Enter Sefton Triathlon
Wash car
Book GoApe for 30 May 07
Buy mint and poss other herbs from garden centre

There's no doubt in my mind that I have to run faster. So with that in mind I need concentrate more on speedwork. The fact that my working day is so unpredictable at the moment does make it difficult. In an ideal world I would get up early enough to do some sort of session before coming to work and then given time one after but it is hard to get up early and do a session before work even when the late afternoon or evening can end up being to hot in summer. At the moment I could probably run a single mile in 8 mins dead, in the past I have run a mile in 6:40, so intially I need to set my target at doing a mile in around 7:30. I also though need to include one 8-10 mile run in the week as well as a couple of swims and 5ks on the bike and some hillwork. Additionally the weight still needs to come down to at least 7st 5lb if not lower I tend to carry all my excess fat on my stomach and boobs which make it more difficult for me than if it were evenly spread. The things that will get in my way are the continual problem I have with shin pain and also the irregular working pattens.

I've ended up being redoployed for the rest of the day. I am just taking phone messages for others to respond to. My colleague is sitting with the proverbial aunt nelly whilst I just doing the donkey work. My ankles are hurting today and having all this time to think is making me wonder whether or not I will be able to do a run.

Well I checked my race number last night and was alarmed to find it was 55, I was worried that there would be such as small number in the race that I would finish last so to be honest I was in two minds whether or not to bother going. This morning I thought just do it and off I went. I got there with about 15 mins to go so there wasn't much waiting around to be done, I'd got a bit lost. The weather was sunny, hot and dry and that was even before I started. It makes me think that these races should have earlier start times at least 10am or before particularly as a hot summer has been forcast.

I started off quite well, the route wasn't brilliant to be honest, I had never done the Gin Pit 5 Trail Race before so it was all new to me. I thought with it being a trail race that the environment would be more scenic that it was. The route entailed firstly one mile lap, the start was just before the brow of a hill, it wasn't a particular high hill but the heat made it feel much worse. The first bit headed after a short climb headed downwards following some rather uneven stony paths some of which looked like at one time in the past were tarmac. The levels then even out until we'd come full circle and had to ascend the hill we'd started on. With one mile gone I was moving quite well and started on the second lap which was a two mile route which included a repeat of the first but had a mile extension that eventually joined the path for the second ascent of the hill. At this stage the leading men were lapping and approaching the finish whereas I still had a further lap to do.

The heat now was starting to take its toll and any shade temporarily gained from the trees and bushes however short was very welcome. The second climb up the hill was more like a plod as I just tried to focus on keeping going until I got to the top knowing the down bit was obviously be easier. I was on my final lap and just focused on keeping going, I thought I must at least get to the 4 mile marker. The last mile I admit I had to stop a couple of times, it was on the bit were the path becomes just a narrow track made accross grass and flanked by bushes. I got to the final climb up the hill and knew that just over the top was the finish, normally I try to put on a bit of a spurt but it was just so hot I'd didn't have the strength.

My finish time was 47:59 not bad but not good either. I did want to do it in under 50 mins at least but it would have been nicer to be a bit quicker. I was so hot at the end I just poured a cup of cold water over my head before drinking the next cup. There were no cups left so I had to resort to picking up a used one from the floor, I was that desperate.

Later in the afternoon I continued on trying to tidy up the garden. I weeded some of the pots and herb bed, raked the back lawn and edged part of it. I did some more sweeping and then watered the lawn. Before that I'd also mopped the inside floors.

Fab weather today, lovely, sunny and warm. The kids won at footy this morning 8-0, AR scored his first ever goal at 11 a side and then went on to get a hat trick. We were six nil up at half time so as the game was won I decided to let our goaly come outfield and play centre back, the centre back I put up front as he has not scored at eleven a side yet. As much as he tried unfortunately the goal never came for him. I put one of the forwards in goal AF and he did have a bit of a tantrum about it. He's the only one in the team that gives us a problem with behaviour. After 15 mins I swopped him for another. He is a very selfish player and often can be a total pain.

The rest of the day I tackled the back garden as the day was so nice. I even mowed the lawn, it was a bit of a killer as the grass was quite overgrown. I ended up with about four bags filled which included all the weeding and sweeping I did. I came in later to watch Man United in the FA cup semi and couldn't believe how much dirt was covering me.

On returning home I got my bike out to do a 5k which in one respect was a success but also a disaster. I had three stops along the way, had to ride up on the pavement a couple of times. I had dropped my gears a notch to see if this made a difference and although I had to put up with a bit of a squeak is seemed to do the job. I did the 5k in under 15 mins which is the fastest to date. I recorded 14:58 but firstly in was probably a couple of seconds faster as at the last moment I had to concentrate on a car that was pushing me towards the kerb (old man driving) so I missed when I hit exactly 3.1 miles and the exact time. Secondly, I would have done it seconds faster if I hadn't had to spot on a number of occasions.

The rest of the evening was apent doing the U11s training. It wasn't a particular great session to be honest, the kids were doing too much larking about and the crossing session was totally unsucessful. Hopefully they won't play like that on Saturday in their match.

Things are incredibly quiet again today, painfully quitet and to make matters worse I have to stay until five. Basically I have nothing to do, so I have brought a couple of books and magazines in, so if things get to that point at least I have them to hand. I weighed myself this morning and was 7st 8/b 1/2, so although its slow at least it going down. I am now 3 1/2 pounds off my target weight of 7st 5lb but I am sure that this will be the hardest three pounds to lose. I still seem to have quite a bit of excess body fat around my middle so once I get to my target I will need to review things. When I finish at five I don't even have time to go home so I have had to put everything I need in the car and go straight to the u6 training. I am hoping MB will start coming so I can pass this group on which hopefully also will give me a bit of a break.

Challenges 2007

1. Run all Sefton Coastal Path - 22 miles
2. Bike the Transpennine Trail
3. Take a rowing boat or canoe out on Lake Windermere
4. Visit Cornwall/Dorset and do some walking
5. Do a Trail Race - Entered Gin Pt 5 15/4/07
6. Run a Half Marathon - Done Liverpool Half Marathon 25/3/07
7. Run Waterloo 15k - Entered 7/5/07
8. Run Liverpool Womens 10k - Entered 13/5/07
9. Run Southport April 4m Fool Race - Done 1/4/07
10. Run a 10 mile race
11. Participate in 15 other Road Races of varying distances.
12. Conquor another 10 mountains in the Lake District
13. Experience GoApe - To be booked for Tues 29 May 07
14. Do some mountain biking - Done in Ainsdale/Formby Pinewoods 7/4/07
15. Do a mini Triathlon - Enter Sefton Triathlon 30/6/07
16. Gorge Walking
17. Indoor Climbing Awesome Walls - Done.
18. Climb Ben Nevis.

Its now April and time for a bit of a review on my planned challenges for the year. I haven't any particular dates in mind for either challenges 1,2 or 4 but for challenge 3 maybe whit week or later in June/July. Challenge 5 will be completed when I do the Gin Pit 5 trail race this Sunday and I have also entered the Garburn Trail in early June and the Derwentwater Trail in early September both of which are in the lake district so will be a really tough challenge. I have now done challenge 6 and I will consider doing further half- marathons if the opportunity and desire arise. For challenge 10 I am considering the Leyland 10 on 27 May. For challenge 11 I have changed it from Road to just races as I can include extra trail races, I have a number of possibles in mind and have also already entered the Croxteth Park 10k. Challenge 12 I intend a few trips to the Lakes one of which is on the day after the Garburn Trail which is on the 3 June, the plan is to stay over at Buttermere and do Haystacks on the Monday. I plan to book GoApe for Tues 29 May for challenge 13 and also to take our mountain bikes with us (us being myself and J) and spend a bit of time exploring the trails of Delamere Forest. Challenge 14 has now been done although I do hope to do some more mountain biking throughout the summer. For challenge 15 I intend to enter the Sefton Triathlon, its only a short distance event (swim 150m, bike 5k, run 2.5k) but its enough for my first experience of this event. Challenge 16 I've not thought about any date or venue although I have done a bit of research on the internet. Challenge 17 the indoor climbing has been done, it was actually in the last days of 2006 but I have included it in the 2007 list. I have now also added an 18th challenge, I would like tackle Ben Nevis as its the highest mountain in the UK so I will think about speaking to M & K to see if they have any plans to do it this summer. I would also at some stage like to have a go at an adventure race but the idea isn't developed enough yet to list. The list isn't set in stone and I am not tied to do any of it so things can be added, omitted or defered.

I did the 7 mile route last night, well it was about 4:30pm ish. The route goes down through Birkdale past Smedley and back down Lord St. It was a warm and sunny evening so it was shorts and short sleeved t'shirt but it wasn't to warm that running becomes really difficult. I did have a few enforced stops, one at the top of meols cop bridge, here the junction is so busy and vehicles so impatient that it can be dangerous so I stop is always the safer option as the pedestrian never gets right of way, you just have to take your chances. I wasn't moving to badly considering I'd done a hill run the previous day. I had to make another stop at Scarisbrick New Road lights again a very busy road but from there it was the start of Lord St before I had to stop to cross ro the other side. I always prefer switching to the side with the verandas which so typify this area for a number of reasons, firstly you can run the length of the road with only one road to cross that may hold you up and secondly it nice to glance in to the shop windows as you pass by. I used the verandas to get some shade and it was cooler there, with it being close to shop closing time there were still quite a few people about but they fortunately didn't get in my way, ocassionally I had to make small diversions past groups of people and the outdoor cafes that have become a feature on the broad boulevard type road.

At the other end of Lord St I crossed back to the other side to head home passing the big Holy Trinity Church and further on over two railway bridges before completing my run at my door step. I'd clocked 1:03:32, not too bad I thought but still wished I'd done it faster. I stooped over the wall for a few seconds to recover, by this stage I was very warm and it was nice to see the welcoming sight of my front door. My nephew C wasn't about unusually for him so it did give me time to shower and change. It wasn't long after though when he spotted I was back and came to visit. J my older eleven year old nephew also popped in. He comes around quite a bit now to use my PC, the other day he asked me to set up an MSN account for him and now he's well into msn messenger to chat to his friends. Funnily enough the other day A his friend was around and then disappeared, I'd asked where he'd gone and he'd gone home to speak to J on the computer - well I'd heard it all.

I made that phone call to the tennis people, unfortunately the parent/child £10 offer only applies to kids under 7 so for J it will be the £15 membership so I will need to check if he could take a guest as I don't really want to be paying a big membership fee for the odd time I'd play tennis with him. I've asked the lady to send me the info so I can have a look anyway. I also managed to do all the footy envelopes, there are a number outstanding so I want them all paid up by the 21 April or I shall have to say no playing in the final otherwise with some people I am forever waiting.

I haven't had my race number through the post as yet for the GinPit 5, hopefully it will come in time. I also need to fill in and post that form for the Sefton Triathlon and another item to add to my to do list is to book on the GoApe experience on Tuesday 29 May, its the kids half term so it will be a good time. Before I actually book on I am going to tell my sister I have booked and the date as often she can be a bit funny about me taking J out for the day so it will be a double check before I actually pay. Its one of those activities you have to prebook online. The plan for that day will also include taking our mountain bikes as well to explore Delamere Forrest hopefully. I have booked all that whit week off so I will be looking to organise a few other things to do as well and the following weekend is the Garburn Trail.

My mood isn't to bad at the moment although I did have a bit of a dip yesterday I felt it most when I went for my dinnertime stroll to the village and back for some reason I just felt so low and dejected I don't know why and the feeling wasn't linked to any particular event or situation I just felt totally fed up with everything.

Did the Parbold Hill route today the one where I park the car in Lancaster Lane. I ran up the hill past the now wilting daffodils and ever upwards past the church and nursery school. I tried to keep my head up and shoulders relaxed and in a neutral position. I kept going up and up and didn't stop until I reached the Wiggin Tree Pub. I'd got up there in under 10 minutes so felt quite pleased with that, its a hard slog up that hill and even cars and lorries have to drop down their gears, cyclists rarely make it to the top without having to stop. Its almost a mile to the top, I think about 0.8m to be more exact, so doing it in under ten minutes isn't bad for me.

After a brief recovery stop at the top I headed down the footpath that leads down the side of the hill. I breezed down the narrow stony trail that descends passing the edge of an old quarry, through some woods and across the Southport to Manchester railway line. The paths here are very uneven and very rocky in parts and I needed to take care not to turn an ankle but also to maintain speed. I was feeling good though and these obstacles didn't halt my progress, it wasn't long before I crossed the humped back canal bridge, the path to here has a short stretch of cobbles I pressume a throw back to when canals were the main haulage transport and probably wear the wares of the quarry were transported. I took a left to join the Leeds Liverpool canal towpath for the easy flat leg of the route, I was still moving well and maintaining a reasonable pace. The towpath was dry as many a time I have had to dodge puddles that form on the surface dotted with numerous pot holes. On I went passing the canal locks which present the only up bits of this part and under another canal bridge, following the winding canal to Appley Bridge where I take a left again over the more modern style bridge and onto Appley Lane North leading up to and past the railway station, past the place with an old diving bell outside and continuing up the hill determined not to stop until I reached the unusually named Skull House Lane. Here I took a footpath which leads across fields with some superb views of Ashurst Beacon on the left. I continued on this path to take me through to Fairy Glen a delightful area tucked away on the side of Parbold Hill. This wooden area undulates across some woodland trails to meet the main road going over the hill. I had crossed the little bridge and started to ascend the steps and got at least half way which is more the usual. On reaching the road I had to pause for a number of seconds to cross the often busy road. My final climb was back to the top of the hill and then the fast descent back to my car. I clocked 52:53, one of my best times in a while, the weather was pleasant and although there was a bit of wind it wasn't to bad.

Later I did a fast 5k on my bike in 15:15, I have done it faster but it wasn't a bad effort. I keep thinking I should get back on my bike to go to work, its about 3 miles away so it would add to my daily training. Its something I will consider but I am making myself no promises.

The evening was spent watching Man United beat Roma 7-1 an unbelievable resultwhich takes them into the Champions League semis.

Another quiet day, I was originally considering going up to the Lakes but couldn't motivate myself to get up early enough and anyway the weather report later said it had been very misty around there. Didn't do a great deal all day and it was a bit boring really, I did do a bit of shopping at Tesco. Later in the afternoon I did give my bike a good wash with soapy water and then put the hosepipe on it. Also popped into town earlier just for something to do really and ending up buying a pair of walking boots that were 70% off at £21 as well as a multi pack of sports socks.

A really quiet day, the weather was lovely for an Easter Sunday if a bit windy at times. I spent the morning just doing a bit of cleaning, dusting hoovering and washing etc before about 3 ish having an Easter dinner at my sisters. It was a really nice meal, she had really done well.

Didn't do a great deal much for the remainder of the day just watching a bit of telly really.

After an early start washing the car this morning I headed off to the pinewoods on mountain bikes with my nephew and one of his friends. Its a bit of a trek to get there about six miles but once there it was a really enjoyable excursion. The weather was bright and at times cool and at other times fairly warm. The plan was to go up to Ainsdale and then to Formby Squirrel Reserve. At Pinfold Lane we entered the Nature Reserve and followed a path well used by myself as all the area is for my running. I asked the boys not to speed through saying that it wouldn't be as enjoyable as taking in our surroundings as well. We kept to the path and took a right when it met the Fishermans Path. From there it was a cycle through the woods where we took a left down the new path just before you get to the sand dunes. We followed this path through some more woods, the trail here was grass paths and forest trails with a bit of sand for good measure. At the end of the woods the area opens up to a grassed area I told the boys that when they got to the dune bit we would have to walk and push our bikes. At first they said it would be no problem to pedal up but changed their minds once they found it was impossible to get up parts of the dune path.

We made our way across the dune and the lads were looking for the highest dune to come own on their bikes. There was a lot of laughter as they frequently were thwarted by the sand and ended up on the floor but the soft sand ensured no injuries.

At the Formby squirrel reserve we took time to have an ice cream, a nice civilised break from our mountain biking, with it being the Easter break there were a quite a few people here but no sign of any squirrels unfortunately. From here we headed back initially the same way but later took a few diversions using the permit paths. With the many ups and downs we sped alond the grass tracks and woodland trails. We stopped a bit further on as the boys wanted to cross an expanse in the forrest created by falled trees. J managed it quite easily whilst D was a bit more cautious and crossed on his backside. The pine trees soared above us in what is a really beautiful part of the coast beside the noise made by ourselves the area was totally quiet.

We eventually pedalled our way through the forrest to rejoin the Woodland Path and the start of the journey home which was via the coastal road. The boys were getting tired particularly J who is only 11 and 3 years younger than D. Being a tough cookie he wouldn't admit it and was determined to keep going as we travelled down the cycle track which borders the road. I knew he was tired as he always goes quiet a bit like me really in all our bike ride was around 25 miles so for an eleven year old that was really good. On the way back I'd quietly asked D to let J lead and set the pace so he wouldn't feel like giving up and it did seem to work all credit to J. The area we went to is a fantastic place to do a bit of mountain biking and I myself really enjoyed it although it would be good to get a lift to and from the begining rather than the six miles along the roads. In all a realy enjoyable ride.

Got up around 9:00 this morning and after breakfast spent the time tidying, dusting and hoovering. It was dinner time by the time I got out for a run as C my little nephew kept coming around and its always difficult getting away when he wants your attention.

I couldn't really make my mind up where I wanted to run so ended up at Ainsdale Pinewoods doing the 6 mile circuit down the Woodland Path, Fishermans Path and back down via the Dune Path. It was a lovely sunny day so I had decided a short sleeved t'shirt and running shorts would be suitable. My main focus was on keeping my head up rather than ending up just focused on the path in front of me. I reached the end of the Fishermans Path in under 23 mins which is good going. I always walk across the section of dunes that connect to the Dune Path as its almost like clambering over a desert with soft dry sand dunes that you slip and slide all over. Anyway I got to the dune path marker and started running again. The going on this stretch of the run is hard going, the sandy paths sap energy and its hard to get any speed up. The more firm grassy tracks are few and far between and right at the end there is a steep rise in the sand and then a small hill to get over before the finish. At the end I looked at my watch and was pleased to see 55:34 minutes, this is fastest I have done this route by a couple of minutes. Its funny how when you do a good run you just feel a lower perceived effort level and when you do a poor time you just feel exhausted.

I then headed back to the car and went for a swim at JJB, I did 2x6 reps of the 25 metre pool. I clocked 4 mins on my stopwatch for the second, the first felt faster but I hadn't set my watch properly so unfortunately didn't get a time.

Back at home I finally got around to cleaning the inside of the car, something which I have intended to do for the past month or so. I then did a bit more gardening and did that endowment questionnaire and posted it. So in all quite a productive day.

Well this is the start of a long day as I have to stay until five, this means a working day of about 10 hours. Most people will be going at around dinner time as its Maundy Thursday and we are given the afternoon off, so I will probably be one of a few people left. I've got a feeling its going to be a really quiet day as the new computer system has problems which they haven't managed to get to the bottom of as yet, this means a slow day which drags as I struggle to find anything to do.

After work yesterday I went straight to the Pine Woods in Ainsdale and did a run. I ran down the new West End Path that cuts through part of the woods and rejoins the Woodland Path which runs alongside the railway line for a time, I passed a family coming the other way, the Easter Hols meant there were also a number of young people on their mountain bikes enjoying the area. I made another diversion and went down one of the permit paths to eventually come out on the path next to the golf course. I paused for a while to take in my surroundings and before I did the next stage of my run. It was very quiet and there was nobody on the golf course, the pine trees towered above me as a cool breeze kept the temperature on this sunny day down. In the field next to the trees there was a horse and female one I presummed and two young foals scampered around I watched through the trees for a while from a short distance, it was I thought a lovely day. There were quite a few people about but at this moment I was on my own with only the sound of the breeze and a light aircraft above.

I walked the the short distance around the corner to Dobson's Rise where my plan was to do at least five repetitions of running up the hill path to the top and then jogging back down again. I was pleased at how comfortable I felt and by the time I had reached the fifth had already decided to extend this to ten repititions. I would start at the bottom and run at what was a good pace to get to the top as fast as I could before a brief stop and light jog back to the start. A group of three young people smiled at me as they passed and later a father with what looked like his three young sons appeared and loitered for a while while the young kids played in the woods. I proudly completed the tenth rep and started to head down the other side of the hill to run back to Pinfold Lane and my car. I consciously made an attempt to keep my head up a bit more as when I am depressed I tend to walk or run with my head down and shoulders a bit crunched, I got back quicker than I expected and even almost caught up with a mother, son and daughter on bikes that I had gone past and then they had overtaken me. My running time was around 50 mins which was excluding any stops I had made and I still felt good and releaxed.

From here as planned it was a visit to JJB for a swim, my plan was to do two reps of six lengths and time myself again. The first one was just a few seconds over four minutes but I had a delay of a few seconds struggling with my watch when starting and on the second one I was impeded at bit and then found the stopwatch hadn't started. With the number of people in the pool I decided it wasn't worth another attempt, I had done about 14 lengths fast so it was time for a few moments in the spa and the steam room before leaving.

I later popped to tesco to do a bit of shopping and get those Easter Eggs for the boys before settling down to watch the footy on the telly. United lost 2-1 away to Roma but considering they went down to ten men before half time when Scholes was sent off for two bookable offences and they scored an away goal so its not too bad. Still have side and abdominal pain down to constipation, I took some laxatives last night to try and get some relief, when I sneeze it absolutley kills.

I have done all my weekly jobs but there now are some items on my to do list that have been there for ages. At some stage over the Easter weekend I must clean the car both inside and out, I want to do a bit more gardening and there's strangely more wood appeared that needs burning. Also finishing restaining the conservatory needs to be done. I haven't decided yet whether or not to go to Salford and do that 10k, I think it will be a case of see how I feel in the morning. I am so bored there is nothing to do and there's still 6 hours to go.

To Do List w/c 02 April 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional Tasks
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue with gardening
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in April.
Fill out and send endowment questionnaire.
Enter Sefton Triathlon
Buy Easter eggs - Done
Enter Gin Pit 5 - Done

Other Tasks
Look into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want. Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting

My digestive system feels ready to explode, I'm still getting pain in my side and lower abdomen but now I have that feeling that I will get diarhea. Mood wise I do feel a bit better but still feel anxious and worried. I planned to go at about 3:30pm yesterday but AG sent me upstairs to cover phones. He did say what time am I going but went straight into giving M a break and I didn't have the guts to stay I planned to go in ten minutes. So I just obeyed and went up there, it was 4:30pm before somebody came to take my place. Today, I thought well I'll go at 3 this afternoon instead but M isn't in so I'm doing everything. I want to ask if its okay to go at three but to be honest I am very nervous of doing so as I believe it will be frowned upon.

Last night I had originally planned to do some speedwork at Victoria Park but when I got there that caravan convention had moved on and the park was locked up so I decided to make my way to Hesketh Park instead. Time was getting on so I didn't stay as long as I'd would have liked. I started with a steady run around the perimeter walk in the park which took me 7:30 ish, there are a few ups and downs but nothing major. There weren't many people in the park at this time just a few dog walkers and some teenagers just sitting in one of the little gardens. The sign near the old banstand says the perimeter walk is 1300 metres so on the second time of running I wanted to obviously run it faster, I didn't have any particular target but just faster. The weather was a lot cooler than it was yesterday so I did wonder whether I should have put some longer lycra shorts rather than the baggy shorts I was wearing. It is nice running through Hesketh Park, it was originally built on sand dunes and opened in the 1840s. Trees were planted on the soil covered dunes so the park has some height as well. On the second time of running I clocked 6:35 mins, so that wasn't to bad for a starter, from there I did 5 reps of running up the short hill to the old observatory which has recently been restored as part of the heritage project which has also seen the lake being returned to what is what like in Victorian times, I then jogged to the bottom for the next ascent. I strangely found this a bit easy for some reason, I wasn't really out of breath and my legs felt surprisingly light, this was followed by 5 reps of running up the steps which are on the other side, again I did this very comfortably. From there it was a short jog to the rose garden which at this time of year can be a bit bear, I did about 4 lengths of just trying to stride out before making my way back to the car.

Its 9:45 and I'm sure I've just got a horrible look off AG, I just really feel a bag of nerves when he's around at the moment. I just feel he is going to have a go at me for the slightest reason.

I managed to ask for a 3 o'clock finish, I shouldn't have to as were all on flexi time and others don't have to ask but as I've said I'm a bit on edge about everything at the moment. Anyway the plan is to go to the Pine Woods to do some running and then for a swim at JJB. I also need to go to Tesco and while I'm there get some Easter eggs for my nephews as well as some shopping. Tonight Man United are playing in the Euro Champions league so I'll be watching that, there is a footy meeting scheduled but as the footy is on the telly I won't be going.

I went on a 7 mile run yesterday evening, well it was about 4:30pm ish. I did register probably the fastest time in ages 01:01:46 over this route which goes down to Lulworth Road, down Lord St and back home. It was the warmest day of the year so far so I was wearing shorts and just a long sleeved t'shirt but wished I'd put on a short sleeved.

I've new neighbours nextdoor but one and they have two very young children, I'm not impressed though that they are let out unsupervised, they are far too young and I just hope it's not a case of irresponsible parents as I don't want them playing down the side and at the back of my house.

I wish I could shake off this depression its just doing my head in. I just don't feel like chatting to people really and just feel a bit of an outsider I also tend to avoid eye contact and smiles are false, if people laugh I don't laugh back, even just a polite laugh. . Everything just seems so negative at the moment. I did though manage last night to mop the floors, hoover the carpets, dust and tidy and clean the bathroom. I still have pains in my side and lower , I am pressuming its down to my digestive system.

Work colleagues around me were having a right old bitch about certain people, I don't join in, I never join in. These people should take a look at themselves a bit more often maybe then they wouldn't be so quick to criticise others. An error I made last week came to light today, it didn't cause major problems and was easily sorted but making mistakes causes me anxiety, it just makes me think that my LM will think I am useless. Yes it was last week and I don't think I did anything right last week with the state I was in but nevertheless I always feel a sense of failure and that its not okay for me to make mistakes.

I just feel I'm becoming a nervous wreck, the phone rings and I'm dammed if I pick it up and dammed if I don't. No matter what I do I seem to do I annoy people, I'm always the one who is in the wrong, blamed, held responsible whatever, no matter what it is. I believe all the pain I'm getting is down to all this anxiety that builds up in me but that's probably my fault as well. I just wish I could come by some fortune or something nothing major just enough whereby I could just get up and leave it all behind me for no matter what I do its wrong.

Sometimes I just wish I could have the bottle to just get up and leave my life. To go live somewhere else where nobody knows me where I could live out my days in peace. Some idylic little village in the country or on the coast, well we can all dream can't we?

The pains in my side are still plaguing me, can only guess that its down to digestive problems. Everytime I sneeze the pain is really sharp, it just all down to stress that has built up over the past few weeks. I'm still feeling down and negative about everything. Things at work are not helping, this week its Maundy Thursday and I did expect to be able to go early as we get a half day credit on this day. However, after initially been that I would be free to go at dinnertime I am now told that I have to stay until five. The new person in the team is off, she only works 30 hours and I just feel all the pressure is on me. After also been told originally that the 5 o clock cover will be shared between five people, the goalposts have moved yet again and it now just down to me and this new person. The problem is this new person sets hers comings and goings so I just have to fit my life around her, so at the end of the day I just feel its all on me. My needs are secondary, it will just end up with me having to just having to do it all. Its a loss of all control over my working day I know business needs have to be met but I just feel its all one way and work life balance for me just doesn't exist. I have already mentioned this to my LM but am not holding out any hope. In a way I am not comfortable with this new person and am nervous of her saying this behind my back etc. and she is also very pushy and will demand she works when she wants to so I will have no control over time.

I really need to make sure that over Easter I do something as so many times I've had time off and ended up doing nothing. My nephew J wants to go to GoApe and its also something I want to do. He's asked to do it over Easter which wouldn't be a problem to me but my sister is always obstructive when it comes to taking J out. I don't really know why though, it may be a case of, if she can't go out neither can he, to be honest I don't really know.

On Friday I got one of those Royal Mail cards pushed through the door to say a letter needs a signature. I just hate it when I get one of those when I'm not expecting anything and I have no idea of what it is. My mind starts working overtime just imagining its something horrible or someone is having a go at me. So anyway after an evening of worrying about it I made sure I got doen to the post office to collect it first thing on Saturday morning and all it was, was a gift voucher in response to that household survey I did the other week.

I just wish I could register some decent times for my running. If I get any slower then walkers will be overtaking me. I should have been able to do that race yesterday in under 34 minutes not the 37 I did it in. It wasn't as if I could say I jogged around comfortably, I just can't understand why I am so slow. I am just hoping that if I get my weight right down it will make me faster but yesterday some really weighty women were ahead of me so I can't really use that as an excuse. Another week of dieting is instore therefore, I can't even achieve that at the moment. Doing that hillwork gave me no benefit whatsoever, everything is a struggle. Maybe a few sessions on the treadmill setting the pace at a decent level may help. One things for sure if I get any slower there's no point in doing it whatsoever.

To Do List w/c 02 April 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional TasksBuy Easter eggs
Finish cleaning inside of car
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue with gardening
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in March.
Fill out and send endowment questionnaire.
Enter Gin Pit 5
Enter Sefton Triathlon

Other TasksLook into changes for front garden - I have a general idea of what I want.
Sort out rendering
Shop for a new washing machine
Shop for a new oven
Clear out garage
Sort out garden
Sort out bedroom light
Sort out socket
Look into getting a gas real fire effect to replace my open fire.
Look into getting new garage door
Look into hiring scaffolding for render work and exterior painting