Still off work today, though I had no intention of going in anyway ,didn’t really do anything much. Got up around 10:30am and pottered I’ve not a great deal of motivation to do anything but I suppose in the circumstances of my lower legs/ankles hurting so much its not a bad thing totally. In the afternoon I did pop to town and get a hydration rucksack, it’s a 15 litre one as it needs to be able to fit in a map, compass, gps, waterproof etc. I wanted it so I would be able to do runs that take me more off the beaten track including doing a trial run of the Garburn Trail at the start of June so I at least know what I have let myself in for. I am hoping to go on Monday but I have had a number of intentions to go the Lakes but not got there as yet so we will have to wait and see.

I did seem to be a bit more at ease about doing the u6s this evening which is an improvement from having no desire whatsoever and just begrudgingly going through the motions.

I did get up this morning and struggle to walk, the pain is coming from my shins and ankles and this morning the veins in my ankles and feet where very prominent, I’m not sure of what the cause is whether its down to the blood flow. Eventually, I got more movement with my Achilles tendons seemed to be loosening and allowing me to place my heel down without feeling they were going to snap. I’m not sure whether or not I will be able to do the Croxteth Park 10k on Sunday.

I swept the lounge floor today in excess of five time, it got a bit obsessive really and I’m not really sure why I kept doing it. I also dusted and hovered upstairs. My nephew C kept coming around so the little soul did keep my mood up and prevented any thinking about work which did help but I wasn’t fortunate enough not to let it enter my thinking for the entire day. I sent an email to CV which in hindsight I probably wouldn’t have cos I just feel that she is probably thinking I’m being a bit of a drama queen and just going into a sulk and thinking I’m just doing this to get my own way. But I’ve already had that conversation with myself and it certainly isn’t the case. It’s just the thought of firstly, feeling that I just cause trouble wherever I go, I am just a problem for people and they just want rid of me. I am 40 now and just going nowhere, in my career if you can call it that is just a total failure. When people say are you still working there I feel totally ashamed and I dare not tell them I am still a lowly grade. Secondly, having to move to somewhere the work is totally boring and a total dead end causes me so much anxiety. If I could get another job with similar pay I would go for it but I just have no skills that I could utilise. Alternatively if I could finance it in some way I would leave and retrain. Anyway enough moaning it just brings me down again.