Reflections

I didn’t go into work today I just can’t face it, so when I awoke this morning and felt sick and then my legs where hurting so much, it was the perfect excuse for me to do it without feeling so guilty. I have no intention either of going in tomorrow. I tried to ring in but there was no answer so I emailed AG, I was thankful really as the last thing I really wanted to do is speak to anyone from work. I did get an email reply so at least I know he’s got the message. Its been quite a while since I have felt so strongly about not wanting to go to work. Frankly, I just can’t take much more. I was worried that CV would try to ring but thankfully she didn’t. I’m not just pulling a sicky I just can’t face it and if I had the courage I would go the doctors and get signed off. To be honest it would be great to get signed off for at least a month if not more.

My whole life has been wasted at this place, I have tried and tried but it never works out and always ends up with me being unwanted and disliked, blamed for everything and anything. I now just feel so many regrets and wishing I could change things, okay you can’t change the past but feel its too late to change the future. By telling me, there was no post for me, not enough work to keep me, IM having to reduce by one and that was me, in essence they have taken away the one thing I clung onto, hope. Hope that I would get on, hope that I would develop and learn skills that could get me to B1, hope that things would get better and I would at least have a chance to be something other than a lowly worker with no control over anything. Just someone who has to follow orders, CV said I expect to much to soon, is waiting 20 years really too soon!

Watched Man United on the telly last night they won 3-2 against AC Milan in the champions league semi, even though they won the two away goals they conceded could be their downfall in the away leg next week at the San Siro.

Both goals they let in were sloppy but then with all those defensive
injuries they have it was never going to be easy. The third goal came in the last few moments of the game so at least they have a lead to defend.

Earlier I went to Hesketh Park to do some speedwork. I did a warm up lap of the perimeter walk in 7:07, had a short recovery and then another lap which I tried to do faster, I clocked 6:28, two seconds faster than when I did it last week but still I was a bit disappointed as I wanted at least three seconds quicker. The weather was good for this session, there wasn't much of a wind although the amount of trees create a bit of a wind block anyway and the temperature was neither too warm nor too cold and although rain was threatening it kept dry for me.

The route follows the perimeter of the park, I start at the old bandstand where the path immediately has a very short down bit and then passes the dge of the kids playground before another short hill as you skirt the edge of the lake. I pass the myriads of brightly coloured spring flowers that border the path here before passing the old aviary that nowadays doesn't appear to house many birds. The path passes the top end of the lake before vearing around towards the
outside of the Rose Garden. With it being April the bluebells are
plentyful and provided a carpet of colour on the verges and between the trees very pleasing to the eye. With two left forks in the path further on I pass the sensory garden before the final slight ascent and as I reach the bend in the path just beyond the wooden sculpture of a squirrel the bandstand can be seen and the end of the lap is nearly reached.

From there I made my way to the observatory hill to do some shuttles up and down the hill. On the way I met TB from work, I had passed her on my previous lap of the park but whilst I thought it was her I wasn't sure. Anyway she pointed out that a small oriental looking man was behaving suspiciously and had just ducked down a side path. After a brief convsersation and an acknowledge to be aware I continued stopping to look down the side path, he was stood near the end and when he saw I was looking at him he ducked further into the bushes. I was at this stage very suspicious and I then had a chat with a face I recognised coming the other way, she told me that she had been attacked by a man in the park last
boxing day but the police had caught the man. I enquired what had happened and the man had grabbed her and threatened to hurt her but thankfully an older couple appeared and he fled.

By now this man had reappeared coming back down the main path further back and he walked into the sensory garden on the opposite side that borders the main path, we could see him loitering in the area that has raised beds. I parted company with the woman after chatting about kids football but I did exercise caution and kept an eye on the situation. As I started on my ascent up the short hill, round the observatory and jogging back down, it was then I saw what was happening, it was now obvious to me that this guy was drug dealing as another bloke appeared went into the sensory garden had
a brief meeting with the oriental guy and was then off. I then just got on with my reps of 12 times up and down the hill, I'm not sure whether it was because I had a longer recovery time but it felt easier running up that hill, hopefully though it will have been because I am getting fitter. From there I went to the Rose Garden and did 4 long shuttles and 10 shorter shuttles at a faster almost sprint pace, then it was back to the observatory where I did 12 reps of running up the old stone steps and jogging back down them and finishing with 20 star jumps at the top. I finished the session with an 850 meter run around the lake, the path here although newly resurfaced snakes around the lake a bit so there are a few tight turns to negotiate and that slow the pace a bit. By this time the
new fountain had been turned off and the park was pretty quiet. The path also includes a small hill to climb at one end but the rest is flat although wine-dy. I clocked 3:40 which I thought wasn't too bad, this morning I worked it out and it equates to running at 6:54 pace.

Before I went back to the car I decided to go via the sensory garden to see what herbs they had growing. I was a bit cheeky and took myself a small bunch of samples but there was plenty there so it won't cause any problems. I ended up with a sprig of mint, lemon balm and chives and when I got home popped them in some water. I am hoping they develop some roots and so I can replant them and see if I can get them to grow, only time will tell.

After a quick shower and putting some tea on I settled down then to watch the footy. When I later went to bed I decided to put some sort of strapping on to see if it helped. On one leg I put a strapping on my shin whilst the other I used an ankle support, hopefully over a few nights it will make a difference.

This morning has been quite busy for phone calls to change passwords but they seemed to have died off a bit now. I seem to be in a better mood today for some reason but I'm not complaining I've made a few jokes even. My muscle tension though is still causing me pain, the back of my shoulders hurt. I'm thinking of anyway possible to alleviate the tension, everything from taking ibuprofen to taking my shoes and socks off under the desk, to taking these herbal stress relieve tablets. Maybe getting back to doing the yoga sessions is an idea.

AG has again mentioned me putting something on the LTR and he wants it done today so I have sent something. He's all busy sorting out this new room to move to so obviously he want me out by then. All this just stresses me out, its just conflict I hate, he is continually pressurising me and I did react by saying that he justs wants rid. He now says 'we have to manage this process', there's no we or process about it. I and I alone just have to find somewhere else to work. If there was a we he'd have given me more time and done some groundwork firstly into what was available. I've just
checked out what this Dove post is with someone I know and its not good news, the work is mind-numbingly boring and the person recommended I steered clear. The thought of having to go back to a monotonous job is worrying the hell out of me, I knew when I saw the vacancy there would be a downside as the more interesting jobs get snapped up quickly. The other posts on the list our the job I spent so long trying to get out of and to have to go back just signifies failure and three steps back.

I left work at 3pm so upset, my eyes were filled with water and red, it must have been obvious to others but I just wanted to get out of there. At home and still upset I foolishly tried a run like nothing was wrong and I should have probably stopped at come home at the first corner but I tryed to battle on. My calf muscles were already aching and contracting like I was getting cramp. I only got to Hesketh Park, just inside the park and just gave up and burst into tears, fortunately there was nobody about to see. I just can't face work tomorrow the stress was just to much, in fact I just wished I didn't have to go there again. The fact that this wish had no chance of ever coming true upset me anymore. Why oh why won't something go right when it comes to my job. Everybody is probably sick to death of me, probably thinking I am just a trouble maker. And now I can't even run, the only thing that gives me a goal in life at the moment.

More pressure to move again today just to make me feel more unwanted and unwelcome. I am definitely going to make an excuse on Friday to say I am unable to stay until five. At the end of the day why should I make an effort to be flexible if he just wants rid of me, I know it could be me here adding more to it and seeing things that aren't there, so I'm not saying its all him but when you're told that one person has to go and that's me, its hard not to take it personally. I've sent a mail to find more out about this dove post and I am trying to catch up with GV to see if there's any possibility of a vacancy in the web team but knowing my luck it has to be an emphatic NO as it always is. I try not to be fatalistic and negative but its hard when things never go the way I want, ocassionally it would be nice for something to go right.

I did the five mile plough run last night, it was raining heavyish all the way around, although the temperature wasn't too bad. I clocked at time of 47:54, I had hoped for a little faster, my shins held up and today whilst I can still feel a bit of pressure they're not as bad as they have been. I followed the run quite quickly with a 5k on bike, I clocked 15:15 again I wanted to be under 15 minutes, I did have to come to an abrupt stop when a car decided to turn right from the centre of the road down High Park Lane without looking I wouldn't have minded but I was wearing a red waterproof and he only spotted me when I shouted idiot at him.

Tonight the footy is on Man United are playing in the champions league semi against AC Milan so I want to be settled by around half seven as the kick is at 7:45. I am considering a speedwork session in Hesketh Park, hopefully it will have stopped raining by then. I keep meaning to do some sort of session before work but each morning the lure of my bed is too strong. My calf muscles are still incredibly hard when I hold my leg out and just let my calves dangle they don't go all floppy like they should there's still a lot of definition in both, maybe that's whats causing my all the problems in my shins, ankles and feet, even now when I try to point my toes upwards I can feel the tightness of my achiles tendon on both legs. I don't know whether the trouble is down to either one an overuse injury or two caused by muscle tension or a combination of both in terms of muscle tension caused by stress impacting on my legs and causing injuries. One thing is for certain though I need to find someway of sorting the problem.

I've just caught up with GV about the post in the web team and explained I am surplus to requirement and looking for a post that would interest me. Her reponse was the post was temporary which I expected and that she has to speak to JH to see if funding was available to continue the post, if yes she would let me know how they intend filling it. Now I am not expecting anything to go in my favour here as things never do but at least I have tried.

Another Monday, more stress, more disillusion. I just feel so unwanted, so uncomfortable.

Just looked at the weekend results and our rivals for second place won at the weekend so its all down to the last game on Saturday. I kind of expected them to win, all we have to do is either draw or win, we are the better team I've no doubt about that.

CV just asked to see me and so I went up, I knew what is was about and I was right. What ever she says I still believe I'm just not wanted here. She thinks I should go back to one of those big teams as all the B1 managers hail from those teams. If I had any faith in that I would go but I've been there before and it wasn't the experience I had. She said something to the effect of the job here wasn't for me or something along those lines I didn't really give a response, if I'm really honest there isn't a job in this building that would interest me but I need to earn a living so I have to work, its as simple as that.

My shin pain has died down a bit today and the swelling on the inside of my left ankle particularly. My ankle looked like it had been sprained but I haven't turned it or anything that I can remember. My calf muscles are very tense at the moment I am trying to relax them but they are so hard. I just wish I could diminish all these effects of stress and depression to be able to fell my body loose instead of permanently tense. Then when I run I wouldn't feel such resistance against any form of speed and would feel relaxed running.

I didn't get much done on the to do list over the weekend, just struggling with the motivation at the moment. I did mop the floors, hoover and dust the bedroom and do a clothes wash. I didn't post the triathlon form which is still in the envelope just waiting for a stamp, I don't know why to be honest and can only think its a bit of nervousness about doing it. I also need to book goape but I first need to make sure my sister is not going to come up with a spanner in the works. Didn't hardly do anything in the garden and didn't make any effort to take that rubbish to the tip. To top it all I over ate so even the weight loss has no doubt suffered.

To Do List w/c 23 April 2007
Standard Weekly Tasks
Mop floors.
Dust surfaces downstairs and tidy.
Clean & hoover Bathroom
Hoover bedroom and dust and tidy.
Hoover Stairs
Clothes Wash
Shopping

Additional Tasks
Continue clean kitchen - (left: sink cupboard)
Continue to clear out box room.
Continue with gardening
Clear rubbish at back of garden
Sort out fall claim.
Get old freezer out of house ready for collection.
Get old TV out of garage ready for collection.
Continue to restain outside of conservatory
Purchase freezer in April.
Enter Sefton Triathlon
Wash car
Book GoApe for 30 May 07
Buy mint and poss other herbs from garden centre

There's no doubt in my mind that I have to run faster. So with that in mind I need concentrate more on speedwork. The fact that my working day is so unpredictable at the moment does make it difficult. In an ideal world I would get up early enough to do some sort of session before coming to work and then given time one after but it is hard to get up early and do a session before work even when the late afternoon or evening can end up being to hot in summer. At the moment I could probably run a single mile in 8 mins dead, in the past I have run a mile in 6:40, so intially I need to set my target at doing a mile in around 7:30. I also though need to include one 8-10 mile run in the week as well as a couple of swims and 5ks on the bike and some hillwork. Additionally the weight still needs to come down to at least 7st 5lb if not lower I tend to carry all my excess fat on my stomach and boobs which make it more difficult for me than if it were evenly spread. The things that will get in my way are the continual problem I have with shin pain and also the irregular working pattens.

I've ended up being redoployed for the rest of the day. I am just taking phone messages for others to respond to. My colleague is sitting with the proverbial aunt nelly whilst I just doing the donkey work. My ankles are hurting today and having all this time to think is making me wonder whether or not I will be able to do a run.

Well I checked my race number last night and was alarmed to find it was 55, I was worried that there would be such as small number in the race that I would finish last so to be honest I was in two minds whether or not to bother going. This morning I thought just do it and off I went. I got there with about 15 mins to go so there wasn't much waiting around to be done, I'd got a bit lost. The weather was sunny, hot and dry and that was even before I started. It makes me think that these races should have earlier start times at least 10am or before particularly as a hot summer has been forcast.

I started off quite well, the route wasn't brilliant to be honest, I had never done the Gin Pit 5 Trail Race before so it was all new to me. I thought with it being a trail race that the environment would be more scenic that it was. The route entailed firstly one mile lap, the start was just before the brow of a hill, it wasn't a particular high hill but the heat made it feel much worse. The first bit headed after a short climb headed downwards following some rather uneven stony paths some of which looked like at one time in the past were tarmac. The levels then even out until we'd come full circle and had to ascend the hill we'd started on. With one mile gone I was moving quite well and started on the second lap which was a two mile route which included a repeat of the first but had a mile extension that eventually joined the path for the second ascent of the hill. At this stage the leading men were lapping and approaching the finish whereas I still had a further lap to do.

The heat now was starting to take its toll and any shade temporarily gained from the trees and bushes however short was very welcome. The second climb up the hill was more like a plod as I just tried to focus on keeping going until I got to the top knowing the down bit was obviously be easier. I was on my final lap and just focused on keeping going, I thought I must at least get to the 4 mile marker. The last mile I admit I had to stop a couple of times, it was on the bit were the path becomes just a narrow track made accross grass and flanked by bushes. I got to the final climb up the hill and knew that just over the top was the finish, normally I try to put on a bit of a spurt but it was just so hot I'd didn't have the strength.

My finish time was 47:59 not bad but not good either. I did want to do it in under 50 mins at least but it would have been nicer to be a bit quicker. I was so hot at the end I just poured a cup of cold water over my head before drinking the next cup. There were no cups left so I had to resort to picking up a used one from the floor, I was that desperate.

Later in the afternoon I continued on trying to tidy up the garden. I weeded some of the pots and herb bed, raked the back lawn and edged part of it. I did some more sweeping and then watered the lawn. Before that I'd also mopped the inside floors.

Fab weather today, lovely, sunny and warm. The kids won at footy this morning 8-0, AR scored his first ever goal at 11 a side and then went on to get a hat trick. We were six nil up at half time so as the game was won I decided to let our goaly come outfield and play centre back, the centre back I put up front as he has not scored at eleven a side yet. As much as he tried unfortunately the goal never came for him. I put one of the forwards in goal AF and he did have a bit of a tantrum about it. He's the only one in the team that gives us a problem with behaviour. After 15 mins I swopped him for another. He is a very selfish player and often can be a total pain.

The rest of the day I tackled the back garden as the day was so nice. I even mowed the lawn, it was a bit of a killer as the grass was quite overgrown. I ended up with about four bags filled which included all the weeding and sweeping I did. I came in later to watch Man United in the FA cup semi and couldn't believe how much dirt was covering me.

On returning home I got my bike out to do a 5k which in one respect was a success but also a disaster. I had three stops along the way, had to ride up on the pavement a couple of times. I had dropped my gears a notch to see if this made a difference and although I had to put up with a bit of a squeak is seemed to do the job. I did the 5k in under 15 mins which is the fastest to date. I recorded 14:58 but firstly in was probably a couple of seconds faster as at the last moment I had to concentrate on a car that was pushing me towards the kerb (old man driving) so I missed when I hit exactly 3.1 miles and the exact time. Secondly, I would have done it seconds faster if I hadn't had to spot on a number of occasions.

The rest of the evening was apent doing the U11s training. It wasn't a particular great session to be honest, the kids were doing too much larking about and the crossing session was totally unsucessful. Hopefully they won't play like that on Saturday in their match.

Things are incredibly quiet again today, painfully quitet and to make matters worse I have to stay until five. Basically I have nothing to do, so I have brought a couple of books and magazines in, so if things get to that point at least I have them to hand. I weighed myself this morning and was 7st 8/b 1/2, so although its slow at least it going down. I am now 3 1/2 pounds off my target weight of 7st 5lb but I am sure that this will be the hardest three pounds to lose. I still seem to have quite a bit of excess body fat around my middle so once I get to my target I will need to review things. When I finish at five I don't even have time to go home so I have had to put everything I need in the car and go straight to the u6 training. I am hoping MB will start coming so I can pass this group on which hopefully also will give me a bit of a break.

Challenges 2007

1. Run all Sefton Coastal Path - 22 miles
2. Bike the Transpennine Trail
3. Take a rowing boat or canoe out on Lake Windermere
4. Visit Cornwall/Dorset and do some walking
5. Do a Trail Race - Entered Gin Pt 5 15/4/07
6. Run a Half Marathon - Done Liverpool Half Marathon 25/3/07
7. Run Waterloo 15k - Entered 7/5/07
8. Run Liverpool Womens 10k - Entered 13/5/07
9. Run Southport April 4m Fool Race - Done 1/4/07
10. Run a 10 mile race
11. Participate in 15 other Road Races of varying distances.
12. Conquor another 10 mountains in the Lake District
13. Experience GoApe - To be booked for Tues 29 May 07
14. Do some mountain biking - Done in Ainsdale/Formby Pinewoods 7/4/07
15. Do a mini Triathlon - Enter Sefton Triathlon 30/6/07
16. Gorge Walking
17. Indoor Climbing Awesome Walls - Done.
18. Climb Ben Nevis.

Its now April and time for a bit of a review on my planned challenges for the year. I haven't any particular dates in mind for either challenges 1,2 or 4 but for challenge 3 maybe whit week or later in June/July. Challenge 5 will be completed when I do the Gin Pit 5 trail race this Sunday and I have also entered the Garburn Trail in early June and the Derwentwater Trail in early September both of which are in the lake district so will be a really tough challenge. I have now done challenge 6 and I will consider doing further half- marathons if the opportunity and desire arise. For challenge 10 I am considering the Leyland 10 on 27 May. For challenge 11 I have changed it from Road to just races as I can include extra trail races, I have a number of possibles in mind and have also already entered the Croxteth Park 10k. Challenge 12 I intend a few trips to the Lakes one of which is on the day after the Garburn Trail which is on the 3 June, the plan is to stay over at Buttermere and do Haystacks on the Monday. I plan to book GoApe for Tues 29 May for challenge 13 and also to take our mountain bikes with us (us being myself and J) and spend a bit of time exploring the trails of Delamere Forest. Challenge 14 has now been done although I do hope to do some more mountain biking throughout the summer. For challenge 15 I intend to enter the Sefton Triathlon, its only a short distance event (swim 150m, bike 5k, run 2.5k) but its enough for my first experience of this event. Challenge 16 I've not thought about any date or venue although I have done a bit of research on the internet. Challenge 17 the indoor climbing has been done, it was actually in the last days of 2006 but I have included it in the 2007 list. I have now also added an 18th challenge, I would like tackle Ben Nevis as its the highest mountain in the UK so I will think about speaking to M & K to see if they have any plans to do it this summer. I would also at some stage like to have a go at an adventure race but the idea isn't developed enough yet to list. The list isn't set in stone and I am not tied to do any of it so things can be added, omitted or defered.

I did the 7 mile route last night, well it was about 4:30pm ish. The route goes down through Birkdale past Smedley and back down Lord St. It was a warm and sunny evening so it was shorts and short sleeved t'shirt but it wasn't to warm that running becomes really difficult. I did have a few enforced stops, one at the top of meols cop bridge, here the junction is so busy and vehicles so impatient that it can be dangerous so I stop is always the safer option as the pedestrian never gets right of way, you just have to take your chances. I wasn't moving to badly considering I'd done a hill run the previous day. I had to make another stop at Scarisbrick New Road lights again a very busy road but from there it was the start of Lord St before I had to stop to cross ro the other side. I always prefer switching to the side with the verandas which so typify this area for a number of reasons, firstly you can run the length of the road with only one road to cross that may hold you up and secondly it nice to glance in to the shop windows as you pass by. I used the verandas to get some shade and it was cooler there, with it being close to shop closing time there were still quite a few people about but they fortunately didn't get in my way, ocassionally I had to make small diversions past groups of people and the outdoor cafes that have become a feature on the broad boulevard type road.

At the other end of Lord St I crossed back to the other side to head home passing the big Holy Trinity Church and further on over two railway bridges before completing my run at my door step. I'd clocked 1:03:32, not too bad I thought but still wished I'd done it faster. I stooped over the wall for a few seconds to recover, by this stage I was very warm and it was nice to see the welcoming sight of my front door. My nephew C wasn't about unusually for him so it did give me time to shower and change. It wasn't long after though when he spotted I was back and came to visit. J my older eleven year old nephew also popped in. He comes around quite a bit now to use my PC, the other day he asked me to set up an MSN account for him and now he's well into msn messenger to chat to his friends. Funnily enough the other day A his friend was around and then disappeared, I'd asked where he'd gone and he'd gone home to speak to J on the computer - well I'd heard it all.

I made that phone call to the tennis people, unfortunately the parent/child £10 offer only applies to kids under 7 so for J it will be the £15 membership so I will need to check if he could take a guest as I don't really want to be paying a big membership fee for the odd time I'd play tennis with him. I've asked the lady to send me the info so I can have a look anyway. I also managed to do all the footy envelopes, there are a number outstanding so I want them all paid up by the 21 April or I shall have to say no playing in the final otherwise with some people I am forever waiting.

I haven't had my race number through the post as yet for the GinPit 5, hopefully it will come in time. I also need to fill in and post that form for the Sefton Triathlon and another item to add to my to do list is to book on the GoApe experience on Tuesday 29 May, its the kids half term so it will be a good time. Before I actually book on I am going to tell my sister I have booked and the date as often she can be a bit funny about me taking J out for the day so it will be a double check before I actually pay. Its one of those activities you have to prebook online. The plan for that day will also include taking our mountain bikes as well to explore Delamere Forrest hopefully. I have booked all that whit week off so I will be looking to organise a few other things to do as well and the following weekend is the Garburn Trail.

My mood isn't to bad at the moment although I did have a bit of a dip yesterday I felt it most when I went for my dinnertime stroll to the village and back for some reason I just felt so low and dejected I don't know why and the feeling wasn't linked to any particular event or situation I just felt totally fed up with everything.